Solids and Stripes
by PettyRevolver
Summary: ch.16 added 8-16-04. Slasyyaoi SxZ. The two meet again in Balamb 2 years after Ultimecia. As both grow, they realize that they have more together than apart. Completed, epilogues and mini-sequels will posted in the same story in the future.
1. That first chapter

"So, you're still hanging around?" was all Zell could think of to say. It'd been a year since Ultimecia and just about as long since Seifer and him had last spoken. Balamb was a small town, but Zell wasn't there very often. He had grown up alot, but still hadn't grown out of his annoyance at Seifer's once constant harrassment  
  
Who could expect Zell to know that in less than thirteen hours he'd be holding the man with the same arms he once sought to hurt him with. If someone had been able to predict the future they wouldn't have believed it either. So much time to cool and still so much apathy in his voice that he could barely conceal. But Zell had to admit he was a bit curious, and worried. It wasn't like Seifer to stay so low key for so long  
  
"Whaddya know? It's been a long time, Chicken." Seifer answered cooly, turning from his fishing rod to gaze at the oncoming blonde figure. Despite his obvious new maturity, there was still that old bounce in his step.  
  
"Don't call me that Seifer, I may be tempted to give teh fish a chance at putting you on a hook." Zell replied flippantly, holding up a finger in triumph. Having been put repeatedly in more leader-focused positions had taught zell patience, and a little with how to deal with stubborn students.  
  
He had expected an immediate rebuttal, but Seifer much to his surprise, chuckled lightly, turning to his fishing rod again. "You've changed, Zell." Seifer said nonchalantly, enjoying the predicted shocked stance of his long term...acquaintance? enemy?  
  
"Well, so've you!" Zell countered, unsure now whether he was winning this imagined battle of wits. Seifer may have been cold, but he knew how to read people and Zell was about as secret as a teen goth's poetry book  
  
"Maybe I have. I've been doing a lot of fishing. A lot of thinking, too, but mostly fishing." Probably the longest monologue Zell had ever heard Seifer give without some form of inflamatory punchline. Seifer wasn't much for speeches, just usually witty (read: scathing) one or two liners. He talked the most when he was working someone into a frenzy. Well, at least a year ago that had been true.  
  
Zell usually just said whatever was on his mind, but for once held back. Could he just blurt out that Seifer seemed more calm? He was friendlier, more passive, and obviously happier than he had been? How did he feel when he found out that most people didn't hate him for his association with the sorceresses? They were dangerous questions and he'd rather not see the old Seifer make a reapparance. Some awkward moments later, he piped up slowly "Sooooo....how've you been?"  
  
"Well, it's a relief to still be alive. You know, people not trying to burn me with overly large torches. I get to fish, I have a decent job, I have a couple of good friends. Life is peaceful." He said, nodding his head satisfactorily like he was an older person. "It's a lot quieter without you constantly screaming around here, Chicken." He finished, letting his smirk grow.  
  
"HYNE SHUT UP!! You're such a bastard, Seifer! I try to be nice to you and you end up being an asshole!" He looked away furiously, his eyes tracing a cloud in the sky. "SHIT!" Zell swore at the innocent cloud, even more furious that Seifer was laughing at him. While more maturity hadn't brought Seifer a less sarcastic edge, it had brought him the foresight to preventing that coming between him and other people the way it had in the past.  
  
Seifer smiled good naturedly at the enraged man, hiking up his fishing pole. "You're gonna stroke if you keep yourself wound so tight, chicken wuss." Seifer said, giving a final smirk as he put his fishing pole under his arm and set off towards the city.  
  
Zell glared daggers at his retreating back. "I'll see you around!" Seifer called, offering a token wave over his shoulder.  
  
"Bastard" Zell muttered. 


	2. the chapter that comes next

"Didn't expect to see you here" Zell recognized that confident smile, he would anywhere. Seifer once overheard zell's mother giving child rearing tips to a younger woman. She had said that the best thing to do was to be constant with your child and cleaning. A clean child is a healthy child his mother had said and she had obviously taken her own advice. He never seemed to have a fiber of hair out of place.  
  
His hair that day was flown up in a wave, with the normal spikes in the front being pulled back to make a firm loop. It really was rather attractive with his light ribbed fitted black sweater with the red sleeves and red dinosaur applique. There was still a slight chill to the wind, like winter's final clings to keep out the warmth. Zell was wearing denim ankle pants with matching red stripes near the bottom and his black and red sneakers that had actually touched dragons, giants, and the greatest sorceress herself.  
  
So well put together...it took most of Seifer's will power not to mention that even the stool matched. He had never gone so far as to actual insult Zell's color coordination. Even he wasn't so bold.   
  
"Didn't expect to smell you before I saw you." Zell had had a good six hours to gain a mental hold on Seiffer's new attitude and position. From the smell of things, he was doing work on the Balamb boatdocks. From the oil stains on his bare arms it was mechanical work, something he'd heard Seifer had done on a couple vacations for a few extra bucks. Seiffer's stained white muscle shirt and dark brown pants didn't increase his appetite. "Shouldn't someone have hosed you down before you came in here? Or at least set you on fire?"  
  
"Shouldn't you be buffing your nails?" Seifer returned, sitting down to have a drink placed in front of him without his asking. "Some of us gotta work for a living, you know."  
  
"I usually don't have to worry about my nails growing too long. They always get busted up when I'm swinging at monsters bigger than your inflated head."  
  
"Those stray cats do pose quite a threat to our calm city."  
  
"Fish intestine don't agree with your sense of humor."   
  
"Talking doesn't agree with yours."  
  
Zell sneered "I fucking hate you." Somehow he couldn't drudge up the old intensity he used to have when saying it.  
  
"I never knew you cared so much." Seifer poo-poo'd to him, fluttering his eyelashes in a mockery of good coquetters everywhere.   
  
"You know, there's a whole lotta other fucking choices of seating that aren't aroun me." Zell said flatly. Being Quistis's teaching assistant for a few months had taught him some of her elusive, dry ways.  
  
Seiffer sighed, "Yeah, but none of them provide good company." He said smiling at Zell. He couldn't help but tease him. It felt good to fall into old patterns. It made him feel free like he had been before all those epic battles and universal struggles. He couldn't ignore that Zell was getting honestly angry, something he didn't completely intend to do. He had no problem admitting to himself that he liked to tease Zell, he thought it was funny when he got mad. The truth was was that before he didn't think he needed any friends, just Fuijin and Raijin who followed him, but he'd learned better. He'd talked to other people, just none of them could understand what life had been like for him.  
  
"Aw Zell, I'm just teasin ya, I don't mean any harm. Seriously." A look of amused innocence crossed his face as he held his hands up. Zell fortunately didn't have to answer (an answer that would have most likely been negatory) when his yearned for appetizer appeared in fried cheesy stick form.  
  
He just gave Seiffer a look as he swiftly dipped one into its red sauce and popped it in his mouth hungrily. "You mind?" Seiffer asked as he reached over to grab one. Zell's hand shot out and grabbed his. "Just. one. Seifer." He warned sternly before letting the larger man's hand go.  
  
"Hey thanks, Chicken!" Seiffer said cheerfully, shoving the entire thing into his mouth happily. "It's good!" He replied to Zell's angry stare. He gave Zell a hearty pat on the back and stood up. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like my food's done!" He tried to think of a way that he could appear more sincere, but Seifer just ended up making a mock-frown. He was getting better.  
  
Seifer got up to leave for the door, but thought better of it and turned to Zell. "Hey Zell, I heard you sometimes go to Ray's on Fillman St. I'll see you there tonight, around 8, right? That's when things start picking up." Seifer had this way of speaking that told you that if you didn't do something he wanted, there would be a price to pay. The odd thing was, was that Zell got the feeling that Seifer might be disappointed if he didn't show up? There wasn't much time to sit around and analyze Seifer face to face. A moment later he had paid for his dinner and gave Zell an actual farewell that didn't leave him seething. "See you then!" Seifer called over his shoulder, which seemed the only way he could manage actual pleasantries. 


	3. The triple threat

Ray's, Fillman st. Around 9pm (or about 3 hours later after Seifer and Zell's second chance meeting in Balamb, the first instigated by Zell, the second by Seifer).   
  
The night was drearier than many past. Balamb wasn't very big, and Zell lived close to the busiest district of the city, of which Fillman was an offshoot. Everyone that spent even a month in the city knew where Fillman was. It was the home of the city's public library, tax registry, only decent bookstore, and exotic liquor shop. And Ray's.  
  
Ray's wasn't so seedy, but dingy enough to make someone not feel bad about spilling a little beer or being too loud. It was converted from a large factory that once housed huge machinery. It worked to keep the smoke out of everyone's faces and made all the sound echo, so no matter where you where there was the sound of constant chatter.  
  
He knew how warm it got inside, so had changed to an old black tank top and his trusty leather jacket and its blue flamed sleeves. He only wore his jacket in Balamb. In Esthar and Deiling he was too easily noticed and pointed out as one of the SeeDs that had fought Ultimecia. Applause is nice, but it's a little unnerving when people are drawing attention to you when you're trying to indiscreetly take a shit in the men's bathroom. All he needed was some tabloid report that he had gastric problems printed.  
  
He stepped into the pool hall and bar and didn't bother to even look for Seiffer. Why did he come here again? Oh yeah, there was nothing better to do, and ma had said somethign about "quality time" which most likely involved him helping her clean something. Plans were the perfect way out, and there wasn't exactly anywhere else to go, unless he wanted to sit in some overly bright cafe' drinking coffee or some stupid shit.  
  
He ordered a cold beer and turned lazily to survey the crowd. His gaze passed over a few already drunk couples, most probably in their early 30's, dancing to some lackluster dance music in the next room separated by glass panels and bad rug wall coverings. The bar stool crowd were always university students avoiding their parents or studying. The pool tables were where the real bar-flies tended to congregate. It was just something you got good at if you went to Ray's alot.  
  
He spotted Seifer easily enough, mostly because he was so tall and ...so tall. His prominent scar didn't exactly make him less noticeable either. Zell considered not going over to him right away, but Seifer spotted him and raised a hand to show that he had acknowledged Zell's presence. Might as well get this over with. Maybe if he got buzzed enough he wouldn't hear or care what Seiffer was saying to him. If that didn't work, he could always have a few more and beat Seifer until he couldn't stand. Or sit.  
  
"Didn't think you'd show up!" Seifer said only half-jokingly as he lined up the 6 ball to go flying into the bottom right pocket of the table.  
  
"Yeah well, there's not much else to do around here." The snappy retort.  
  
"You wound me, I thought you came all this way to be with me."  
  
"If that was the beer talking, it would be true." He stated with a good natured smirk and took a swig. His ma had hinted to him before he'd left that although he wasn't fully ostracized, Seiffer wasn't entirely welcome in Balamb.  
  
It did seem a little strange that although people seemed to readily know Seifer: waitresses knowing what he wanted before he ordered it, friendly waves from people passing by, that no one actually stopped and talked to him. It made Zell feel guilty for approaching him with his guards up. She hadn't said it, but he knew she wanted him to make friends with Seifer. As much as he hated to admit it, he really ought to do the right thing and at least attempt it.  
  
"I hear you." Seiffer said in, comraderie? When did that happen, Zell thought as Seiffer raised his bottle to Zell before swallowing what was left of the contents. Zell, never one to be outdone, especially by Seiffer pulled his beer back to drink just a little more than Seiffer had. He knew it was foolish and all those other things (his internal quistis voice kept warning him that drinking too fast was dangerous), but he just wanted to truly show Seifer up just ONCE. But before he turned to doing shots, maybe a past time a little less likely to make him nauseated and perhaps dead.  
  
"Let's play some pool." Zell suggested, preeferring to not to stand around and try to talk to Seifer.  
  
"Are you sure about that?" Seifer asked, never one to make anything easy. Or boring.  
  
"Am I sure about what?! yes!" Zell said, already slightly annoyed. What was that about not getting all defensive?  
  
"How about making things a little more...interesting?" He said, quirking a single blonde eyebrow at the other blonde's blonde eyebrows.  
  
"Despite what you think I don't have a lot of money" Zell took another swig of his beer and not caring for where this was leading so far.  
  
"Who cares about money? Alright, whenever one of us gets a ball in, the other's got to take a drink from his bottle. If you land the green or the green striped, it's an entire bottle. Whoever loses gotta do two double vodka shots." Zell did a double take. A what? That was INSANE! He looked at Seifer menacingly trying to ward off anymore attempts at separating himself from his wallet.  
  
Seifer stared back nonchalantly showing no signs of apathy or apparent manipulation. Apparent being the keyword of that statement. "you afraid?" Seifer asked cooly, quirking his eyebrow again.  
  
Zell frowned heavily. This was it, everytime before he had argued with Seifer, all five hundred eighty three times or whatever, at this point he was already too heated or they were separated. He was gonna prove himself good this time. He slammed his beer bottle on the pool table. "No way am I scared! bring it on, *chicken*" Zell replied, happy to have finally turned the name calling tables on Seiffer, who was utterly unphased. If he had noticed the name, he pretended like he hadn't heard it.   
  
"You rack em, I'll get some beers." Businesslike, he crossed the bar and got six cold ones to start with. Zell was good at pool, and good at holding his liquor. Seifer hadn't seemed like he was so great at pool while he was playing by himself; at least not better than himself, anyway... 


	4. home decorum

"Alright, I think I've had enough of this." Zell sighed, winning the second game. Seifer wouldn't admit that Zell was obviously the better player of the two, but comforted himself that at least he could hold his liquor. And he'd consumed a goodly amount. "How much have you had to drink?" He shrugged his shoulders and held up ten fingers questioningly. It was hard to tell whether he was trying to figure out how many fingers he was holding up or how much he'd had to drink. Zell played dirty, he'd landed the green stripe and green solid regardless of which he was playing and had still won both games.  
  
The bar had been almost unbearably warm by the time they left. The chill of the night air and the salty smell from the sea outside was a shock to their systems after spending some five hours in an unventilated room. They usually opened all the windows in the entire building in the day as olfactory preparation for the next night of debauchery. Whatever it was that they were doing, it wasn't enough. The smell would cling to them for days. "Man, I go'a git home." Seifer was speaking much slower than he ususally did, even his tongue felt sedated and large. His head seemed to sway in odd directions on its own accord. When did his feet tangle so easily? Maybe he'd grown an extra leg. "Yo gon'a w-walk me hoom *chicken*, I think I'm a lil too inebriatated..."   
  
It was hard to be insulted by a man who seemed barely able to pronounce the word 'chicken.' A very drunk man, actually He was certain that he had never, even as a child, heard Seifer giggle like that. He was willing to bet that Seifer had never actually giggled like that, nor been as drunk as he was now. The reality of the danger Seifer was in was enough to sober Zell's delirious feeling of unquestioned victory. He'd become used to being responsible for other people's welfare. He couldn't let Seifer go alone. "C'mon" He grabbed Seifer's dangling left arm and draped it around his broad shoulders.   
  
Seifer just sort of stared at him for a moment, his eyebrows knit together as he tried to figure out some overly simple thought that wouldn't finish itself. Giving up, he almost seemed pleased with the situation. A slight smile tugged at the corner of his lips as Zell started to guide his steps towards the sidestreet Seifer lived on. His mother had said something about Seifer living in an old building on the ave next to the general store and there was only one general store.   
  
Their conversation on the way isn't really worth noting. In fact, the most comprehensible bits went something like: "is this your street?" "i tink sooo" By the time they arrived, Zell was slightly frustrated with the far more drunk Seifer. In fact, he was only feeling slightly buzzed know. Responsibility was a real kill joy.  
  
"Wheyoo helpin me *chicken*, Yoos alwheys so upset n ANGRY at me..." Seifer slurred as he fumbled his keys out of his pocket. This was more difficult as he seemed unable to speak without large gestures for important points in his sentences. (Those important points being almost every syllable.) After agonizing moments of effort, Seifer fumbled the keys from the lip of their denim prison with a jingle on the tiled floor.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I'm just doing this so I can tell all my friends that I scored with you and that you were really bad." Zell, of course, had no intention of ever telling anyone he did this, although his mind told him that he'd end up just blurting it out anyway. He'd been spending way too much time with Quistis. Why did he keep thinking Quistis things? Why did he keep thinking about Quistis? It was getting out of hand. Seifer was getting out of hand. He bent down to reach for Seifer's keys and decided not to think about anything else until he'd slept this all off. Damn, Seifer had a lot of keys. Keys that all seemed like they could potentially fit the lock. Bronze keys, silver keys, plastic topped keys. He shook the bunch of them at Seifer and let the unspoken question stand. Seifer shrugged and he figured he'd have to just test every one while Seifer sort of lolled around the hallway like one of those bop it balloons.  
  
"You know *chicken*" Seifer had apparently lolled his way right behind Zell because suddenly when he spoke he felt the hot breath on his neck...and smelt the liquor on his breath. "If that actually happened, you'd be singing a lighter song..." and he sounded so sober that Zell actually turned around to see if Seifer had been pretending all along. It must've been a fluke, there was an uncharacteristic wide grin on Seifer's face, white teeth shining in the faltering light bulb from the cracked ceiling. Zell clenched his teeth and rolled his eyes as he put the very last key into the lock.  
  
click. The door swung open noisily into the four bedroom apartment Seifer called home. It looked exactly like it should. Things were exactly as they should be: stainless steel, light carpeting, and a simple, economical design. It wasn't filled with alot of things, but what was there was obviously of some form of quality. It didn't look like it came out of a magazine, but it was clean and looked put together. That was more than alot of people Zell knew could say about their own homes. 


	5. Defeat

All thoughts of decor were banished with the sickening eruption of the most heart-rendering belch any man had ever heard. It occurred to Zell that Seifer was the type of person who may actually have worked to develop such a skill. He mentally congratulated him as he shuffled through the dim apartment to his sitting. Seifer let his full six foot one weight drop heavily onto the metal framed couch. First Zell heard a creak, and then a heavy thud and yell when his companion both realized gravity preferred you to be mostly ON the object you planned to reside on and that that meant he was going to hit the floor. Pleasant.  
  
It was even too pathetic for Zell to laugh at. Instead, Seifer remained a moment longer, face down on the floor before emitting a low moan that echoed from deep in his throat. If only he had experienced this years before, when it would have given him real pleasure to finally have something embarrassing to say about him. Although, knowing Seifer he would have recovered and just found some way to twist the truth. It wasn't so much what he said as the way he said it that got to people. Or used to. Maybe he should help him get up, he seemed to be groping on the floor in an attempt to either imitate a lobster or to get up off the floor.  
  
Definitely a lobster imitation, but it wasn't good enough to watch. That left only one other option. "Up you go"  
  
"Thanks *chicken*"  
  
"Most of the patients call me Nurse Dincht"  
  
"..You've chai-enged"  
  
"You haven't. You still smell like shit."  
  
"toush-ey"  
  
"I'll get you some water"  
  
"I duhna wahn' any wadda ef you arrr gonn' be ahl mea 'bout i'"  
  
"I'll make sure to kiss each ice cube first."  
  
"Thahs betta"  
  
Zell made sure to watch Seifer to make sure he wasn't about to pass out too soon. For the amount the man drank in such a short time, he was holding up pretty well. Or he had a high tolerance. Or maybe he was just used to it. Whichever reason it was, it didn't seem that drinking was any kind of regularity for him at that time. His fridge, freezer, and trash checked negative for any liquor. The apartment's kitchenette was pretty sparse. A two panel stove top and two shelf oven. The white counter was scratched and worn, but seemed as if it had been cleaned as much as it could be from years of use. It was decorated only with a white plastic cutting board, a black coffee maker, and a small microwave. Guess he wasn't used to having company. There was only a few cupboards and drawers. Nothing much exciting in there, just the usual stuff. He had been hoping for something exciting, hopefully Seifer would just say something worth hearing.  
  
Seifer muttered somethig that sounded like "I hope you didn't spit in it" or "how do I know you didn't spit in it", but either way, he got the general gist and replied: "I think you've got enough alcohol content for one night." Seifer just grinned and tooka messy swallow of water. Most of it spilled onto his chest, plastering the neckline of his t-shirt to his body. Seifer wanted to say 'I'll never be a ballerina!', but only managed a choked giggle.  
  
"Hyne, you're gonna fuckin drown in a glass of water." Zell growled, hefting Seifer up by the shoulders to sit up. It wasn't easy either, bastard was heavy and he wasn't junctioned. He gave Seifer two good hits on the back, secretly enjoying the way his head tilted around whenever one of his hands landed. He made some kind of gugrling noise, but a kind of I'm breathing better gurgling noise. That was good enough.  
  
"Ugh, hel me si up" Seifer struggled to properly move both his legs over the side of the couch AND pivot his body AND balance. The first was going okay, but the second two not so much. Strong arms wrapped around his side and moved him so that he was facing forward instead of at the ceiling from the floor. He smiled bashfully (ok, for Seifer bashfully) at Zell, "heh, thanksh." Seifer at least didn't look like he was going to pass out. A yawn meant he was actually tired. Actually, Zell himself was pretty tired and did his best to stifle his own yawn. He started to think how he could get out of babysitting Seifer any longer. Since it was his fault that he was in this situation anyway, he didn't see any easy way out other than leaving the other man and crossing his fingers.  
  
"Seifer! Get off!" Zell had thought over all the kinds of things that could go wrong meeting up with Seifer. This had NOT been one of the scenarios he'd imagined. Seifer, on the other hand, seemed just fine with it. As soon as his body had toppled over into Zell's lap, he wrapped his arms under his head and lazily lifted his legs onto the couch. He looked rather comfortable. And smug. What was the difference with him? "I could have just gotten you a pillow..."  
  
"Nah a wahm one." He replied in the middle of another yawn. He curled one arm possessively around Zell's knee. It was clear that drunken Seifer had no drunken intentions of letting the not so drunken Zell leave.   
  
"Hyne!" defeat. 


	6. A little alone time

***  
  
This fic makes me no money or even glory! Please do not own me squaresoft (andvariousothercorporationswhoownzellseiferandallotherfinalfantasyreferences). Thank you.  
  
Sunlight?  
  
Oh. That's right.  
  
He was in his own bed. In his own home.   
  
Zell had made it back. Not unscathed that is, first he had to extricate himself from Seifer's incessant grip on his leg before he could leave. He'd been hoping he could just slip out, but Seifer stubbornly awoke from his dead sleep and asked for some water in what could only be described as a pathetic voice. He fought the guilt down and had gotten him the water. He had done all he could (and he seemed to be alright now, if a little disoriented), but he knew the scene would bother him, well...for a really long time.  
  
"You're leaving?" He had asked, his face scrunched up in an effort to regain some form of consciousness. It was only five am and the fleeting summertime hadn't brought the sun up yet to its full strength. He looked confused and even disappointed, rubbing his red cheek with one of his hands as it still burned with the warmth of Zell's lap.   
  
"I gotta get home before Ma sends out a search party. You look like you're gonna be okay." Zell responded. THe longer he stayed the more awkward this was gonna get. He had to leave before he freaked out. It had been five hours and he'd almost not slept at all. However little he had been inebriated, it had all left him by now and in the light of full sobriety last night (and the current situation) struck him that much more odd than it had before.   
  
Seifer didn't say anything, but sipped gingerly at his ice water. He closed his eyes and an intense sort of emotion flickered across his face for a moment. Zell almost said a million things, but he couldn't decide what it was that he had seen. For that brief moment a window to Seifer's secret self had opened wide before being slammed shut again. It was too complicated a message for him to interpret in just a few minutes. Only a sort of stuttering gasp escaped his lips. Real effective, Dincht.  
  
"Thanks, Zell." His voice startled the shorter blonde out of his reverie. After so much tense silence he almost hadn't expected a sound to come out of Seifer's mouth. He was now utterly lost to confusion and could think of nothing to do when Seifer's hand lazily wound its way around his own and squeezed. Still in shock, Zell had left quietly with a shaky smile and made his way home where he, miraculously, had fallen asleep.  
  
And that brought Zell back to where he was; sitting on the edge of his bed his head in his hands. This was his vacation, his *restful* vacation. So much for that, he'd have to make up for it by being extra loungeful today. Maybe he'd just take a shower and lay around on the hammock all day. Then he'd tan. Then he'd lay around on the couch and watch tv and his mother would beat him for the thousandth time at triple triad. Good times!  
  
Thusly, his daily plan was formed by the time he left the shower. Why was he so upset over this, anyway? Seifer was drunk and he was there and well...he WAS a good looking guy. There was no denying it as he looked at himself in the mirror and (just for kicks) flexed his biceps for himself and smiled his fangiest smile at his own ocean blue eyes.   
  
So then, he asked his shiny muscular chest, hadn't he had any action, less a date, in over a year? His chest's only reply: that was a good question, why hadn't he had a date in over a year? Zell frowned.  
  
He frowned all the way to the hammock. He loved the hammock, it had been his favorite place in his entire house forever now. It even comforted him the way it creaked when he lowered his weight into it. His bad mood started to fade as it swung himself gently back and forth, the cool wind sailing lazily into his back. It was just because there hadn't really been anyone and he hadn't had the time to meet anyone. There seemed to be no shortage of SeeD female admirers, but that wasn't doing so much for him. And the SeeD guys...they just didn't seem to like him very much. He'd won more friends over recently. He'd even grown much closer to people around him. He hated to admit it, but whenever he saw videos of himself from before (okay, and a little after) that Ultimecia incident, he winced at how immature he was. His mother, of course, was beaming with pride whenever she talked to anyone. No one in Balamb referred to him as her wild son anymore...at least not when she was around to hear them.  
  
He was Zell, the hero. Zell the grandson of a war hero, the shining child. After the war, such a big deal was made over him (and he'd soaked it up so well) that the other youths of the town had never forgiven him for incurring such jealousy in them. So that was it. There was no one in Balamb who would speak to him over the age of fourteen and under thirty and everyone in SeeD didn't coincide with his own sexuality or hated him or just wasn't interested.  
  
The last guy he'd gone out with hadn't been bad though. He was down to earth, even a little fun. He'd lived around Trabia, of course, and that meant they saw each other only every other month for a couple days. Apparently he wouldn't settle for that. It hadn't even lasted through three visits.  
  
It was getting really bad now that his mom could tell. She had even been trying to set him up. What was up with that?  
  
****  
  
The end of part six. Want more? Don't forget, reviews make miss Revolver's fingers move! I mean, we haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet, right?  
  
Oh, and I'd love to be hosted on archives. If you know of one that is still active or a mailing list that you think I should knwo about, drop me a line at: sleazy@zomblasta.com. 


	7. A snake in the grass, a jewel in my hear...

"Sweetie, I'm back!" his ma called. He groaned to himself at the sweetie in her sentence. A year ago he had done his very best to convince her that he was too old for her various terms of endearments. She had replied that once he was less than half her age she would respect that request. Until then, he would just have to suffer. Since Ma was now in her mid 40s and Zell had just turned twenty, that meant he would probably exclipse her somewhere around 26. Six more years to go and she was going to make use of them, he was sure. Ma didn't forget ANYTHING, she even remembered that one time when he was seven...forget about that for now.  
  
Ma breezed through the door with two grocery bags stuffed under her arms. She had this odd need to go grocery shopping twice a week whenever Zell was home. It was almost like there was a family of goblins eating the food bit by bit when she wasn't looking at an alarming pace. Strike that, it was like she had two families of goblins. She didn't know where it all went, either, it wasn't like Zell was a giant or something. he must have a furnace for a stomache.  
  
Zell hopped up from the hammock and came jogging lightly into the house. People who had never lived with Zell may be surprised at the sudden burst from absolute lounge to action ready. She was used to it, it was like he was constantly wound for something. She wished it could say it was from all that SeeD training, but he'd always been like this. "Get dressed, we have company." She told him, he looked as if he hadn't changed since he got out of bed.  
  
"I am dressed, Ma." He looked exasperated. She had seen him grow up so much, do so many important things and do make very important decisions. He was even an instructor, now! She knew he said he hated being treated like her little boy, but she knew, deep down, he would miss it. There was still one place in the world where he wasn't responsible. It'd been the same way with her mother. She had left the nest early, but whenever she returned, it was like she was transported back to that warm childhood place. The one where your worries come only with how you want your mother to spoil you.   
  
"You are not dressed for company, how go upstairs and get changed or I'll put this food under lock and key!" There were some threats one's child darest not not listen to. Especially when your mother was Ma Dincht, the woman who never went against her word. He may have conceded, but not quietly.  
  
"Awwww Ma!" He whined.  
  
"Awwww Ma!" A male voice echoed behind him. Did he even need to turn around? He could recognize the mocking tone if he went deaf just by the nasty shiver it sent up his spine. But he didn't need to let him know. He sighed audibly.  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. Almasy, but I have to get changed so as to fully enjoy the presence of your company."  
  
"How kind of you" Seifer smirked at Zell, looking oddly at ease for someone who should be unable to leave his bed. That bastard still had more spirit than was good for him. Zell glanced at Ma to make sure her back was turned before he gave Seifer the finger with a sneer and a whole lot of feeling. Asshole, he mouthed to him before slipping up the stairs to his bedroom.  
  
Hyne, what the hell was up with these past few days. He barely ran into Seifer this much in Garden! But more bizarrely was that he never thought he'd have a vaguely pleasant reaction to his company? Well, things were different now, he reasoned. For one, Seifer had changed and whatever he had done to Zell had been paid back to him in Spades. Besides, who was teasing who know? It looked like Zell was getting the upper hand at least 20% of the time. That only meant that ultimate victory was right around the corner, baby!  
  
Now what should he wear today? It was kinda warm out, so that meant shorts. His denim shorts with the electric green stitching and the matching samurai warrior on the back pocket? Nah, they were waaay too baggy. It was too him two and a half years ago. There had to be something better he still had at home and had forgotten about he figured rummaging through the often forgotten bottom drawers of his dresser.  
  
Success! He had totally forgotten about these. It'd been like, three years since he last wore em! Of course, they were too long for his tastes. Making a little inappropriate use of one of the sharper war trophies on his wall, Zell fixed that little problem. He made sure his slices were even and slipped the shorts, formerly pants on. Just below the knee, exactly as he liked them. A baby blue muscle shirt with a red chibi making a peace sign finished his dressing portion. He ran a quick comb through his hair and slicked his hair back for the time being. He looked at himself for a moment in the mirror.  
  
He gave himself a quick thumbs up sign. "Lookin good, mr. dincht!" He said appreciately to himself with a wink. Seifer or no, he was gonna make sure today was a lucky day!  
  
"I'm making lunch for you and Seifer dear. Him for helping me carry my groceries and you because you'll be mowing the lawn later." She made sure to say the last statement with extra feeling. Whatever, they had a small yard. Maybe he'd make it interesting and direct the mower with his feet while he walked on his hands. Hey, he could do it!  
  
"Okay Ma" He sounded happier than before, sitting on a dining room chair with one of his barefeet propped up on the opposite knee. It still took him a few moments to remember to -not- be afraid of Seifer. After all, like he reminded himself upstairs, there wasn't anything to be afraid of. Seifer may still be mostly the same in his attitude to Zell, but Zell's attitude to Seifer had totally changed. He was a man, now!  
  
Ma retreated to the kitchen and left the two boys alone. In the moment of silence that followed, a thousand words could have spoken. Seifer could have said "Thanks for last night, Zell" or "I would have died without you" or "I apologize for everything I have ever done to you and you were always the better man than I." Although, the most pertinent to the situation probably would have been something like: "Chickenwuss, you really oughta watch how you're leaning back in that chair." ALAS, the moment passed by and Zell was already on the floor with an undignified yell.  
  
"Good work, chickenwuss!" Seifer managed between attempts at holding back his roaring laughter.   
  
"Honey, are you okay?" His Ma asked in much the same way Seifer had.  
  
"I'm FINE" Zell replied once he gathered enough of his own dignity in the moment since the crash to will his body to move. In the same amount of time it took him to crash he had the chair upright and his butt planted firmly in it. He ignored his bright red face and lightly crossed his arms while the other two gave in to their own amusements. "Hyne!" He sighed loudly at his own misfortune. Lucky day after all, eh? He wouldn't admit half an hour later that some of the laughter had been his own echoing loudly in the small room.  
  
It has been months since my last chapter. This one has actually been finished for four months, but I kept meaning to rewrite it (a third time!). My life has been really hectic, but I've finally come to a place where I'm no longer afraid to write, or needing to trick myself into doing it! So, yes, I'm fully confident that I will finish this fic!   
  
And not only will I be able to finish it, but I've been practicing my smut! So expect some lemon-lime goodness in chapters to come! Oh, and don't forget! Commenting makes miss Revolver's hands move! or something...heh. 


	8. an interlude

An Interlude  
  
"Hey Seiffer."  
"Hey Zell."  
"What're you gonna do. Y'know, in the future."  
"Don't know. Got any ideas?"  
"Not really."  
"Nice to know that you have some confidence in me, still. Chicken Wuss."  
"That name got old years ago."  
"You don't seem to think so."  
"Whatever dude, why're you in Balamb for anyway?"  
"What does it matter to you, want me to move away?"  
"Only if wherever you're going is ready to deal with you."  
"I doubt it."  
"Me too."  
"What're you laughing at?"  
"You!"  
"This isn't the way things are supposed to go."  
"Say that alot?"  
"Actually, yes."  
  
----  
  
"Zell? Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"  
"Yes, Quistis and I am on vacation."  
"So why the phone call? Worried that I've taught your students to punch like a girl?"  
"You never punched like a girl, Quistis."  
"Fair enough. Are you coming back early or staying late? You do have some vacation time left over."  
"No, I'm still on schedule..."  
"So...."  
"So....um. Yeah."  
"Zell?"  
"Quistis?"  
"Get on with it."  
"Right, so I kinda have been hanging out with Seiffer lately."  
"'Lately'? How often and current is 'lately'?"  
"Last night and today. Like, since last night we've been separated for only eight hours out of twenty-four. We went to a bar last night and he followed Ma home for an impromptu lunch."  
"Sounds painful."  
"Actually, it hasn't. We were in the backyard talkin and he just left."  
"Are you lying to me? Did you call just to screw with my head? If you are, I have to say that you should be trying a little harder, but some applause on your subtlety."  
"He held my hand Quistis."  
"That's better."  
"I'm being serious here. He really did, but it was just for a second."  
"Maybe it was an accident?"  
"Maybe the first time, but he was completely sober this time around."  
"Well...shit."  
"Yeah, that's what I said."  
  
Chapter 9 is almost finished! Will Zell and Seifer be able to survive a potentially magical day alone with beautiful weather without touching each other in ways that television tells you they shouldn't!? Stay tuned! 


	9. For a stoned soul picnic

Things got very quiet in the small city for the big-time soldier...again. Most of his time spent at home was generally uneventful and resting unless he wanted it otherwise. That was the way things were before Seifer had stepped in to intrude. While he hadn't actually caught him anywhere in the past couple days, his presence was still floating somewhere inside Zell's skull.  
  
Worst of all, he had to admit that if Seifer didn't come by sometime soon, he was going to go out looking for him. Which is what he didn't want to do. Yeah, he'd been nice and all the past few times he'd seen him, but that didn't erase all the wariness. There was still plenty of things going on up there that told him that this could be some overly elaborate joke played him by a very bored bully.  
  
What if it was? He could take Seifer now. Easily, actually. Zell was better trained than ever, could junction a GF in a second and Seifer wouldn't have a gunblade. Seifer was probably real rusty, too. Still good enough to take on a dozen city toughs, but not good enough to take on Zell with his hands tied. So what was the big deal?   
  
The big deal was was that this was reminding Zell all too much of how badly he had always wanted Seifer to respect him. To be his friend. All his life the measurement of good and bad had so often been dictated by the presence, attitude, and opinion of this one guy. Some of the most poignant times in his life had been when he'd been the one on top, showing Seifer how it was done.  
  
Of course, as he'd gotten older, he'd realized just how different his experiences after leaving the orphanage were compared to the rest of them. He and Selphie had been the only two given the proper love to grow into a person. He had found his Ma and Selphie had always held the considerable power to make people love her on first sight. The both of them had always known what it was like to care for and be cared for by another person (except for Quistis, who remembered her parents and Squall who remembered enough to know he'd been abandoned).  
  
So what did that really mean? Was Seifer a bad guy? Had he grown up? Was Edea's love for him enough to figure out how it was people were supposed to feel about other people? When did he start sounding so much like Sailor Moon?  
  
The bed sheets were tousled, wound around his legs so tightly that if he rolled over again, he may rip them. His mattress was half uncovered and one of his pillows was halfway across the room. He groaned and put the other one over his face. It was too early on a beautiful vacation day to be awake, tossing and turning about his childhood bully-cum-adult friend.  
  
Adult friend. that sounded kinda dirty.  
  
"Zell! Breakfast!"   
  
Well, that was it. He was up now. His ma always knew when he was up 'you're only quiet when you're asleep blah blah blah noisy' she would say as loudly as possible no matter where they were and no matter who was walking by. Sigh. Somethings never change. Seifer. He hadn't been around for...57 hours?   
  
seifer.  
  
For Hyne's sake, he was getting dressed already. He fumbled into a crumpled pair of red denim shorts and a random white tank top that he had been wearing yesterday to trudge sleepily down the stairs.  
  
"You're going to mow the lawn today, right?" She asked him when he immediately came into sight. Hyne, she would never let him forget it. Yes yes, he'd get it done today. On his vacation.  
  
"Yes ma." He replied, sitting down at the table with his eyes closed again. Waiting for the hot plate of food to be placed in front of him so he'd find a reason to keep them open next time.  
  
"Now, I mean it. If you don't do it today I'll have to do it myself and then you'll be cleaning out the basement." Groan, the basement. The depository of every unkown, unwanted but still useful object that had ever come into the house. It'd gone ignored for at least a decade and Ma's new goal was to clear it out.  
  
"Yes Ma." He sounded sorta dutiful and it must've worked because a moment later he had a steaming plate full of food.  
  
"I'm visiting your Auntie Sophie today. The one to whom you haven't spoken to or visited since the last holiday, Zell. You know she misses you and wants to see how you're doing. I keep telling her that you're so busy up at that Garden. Living the legacy of your grandfather. Hmph! Your grandfather was a family man. Dah dah dah dah DAH. Blah blah clang rustling bag, footstep footstep cabinet door etc etc." It was better to stay silent and let her rants run their course. Yes, he did love his aunt sophie, but she smelled of disgusting perfume and would ask him endless questions about 'that Irvine boy' whose picture she saw on a telecast. It was beyond creepy and she would always inadvertantly stab him with her pointy nails. Oh, and his cousins were the most obnoxious pricks you'd ever seen or heard. And that was saying something when you compared them to Seifer. Old Seifer. The Seifer before this Seifer.  
  
She cleared the empty plate from in front of him when he was finished, finally finishing her grandiose rant. It was always a good sign that she was still spoiling him even while complaining. When she got really mad, she removed all motherly services and forced him to live independently. Shudder. "What are your plans today, sweetie?" Sweetie? Guess she really got everything out with that rant.  
  
"Um, Mow the lawn. Call up a friend, maybe Seifer. Whatever." Damn, why did he have to go and mention Seifer?  
  
"Oh-ho. well, I've left some things in the fridge. Perhaps you could invite him over for lunch and make sandwiches? The weather is supposed to be beautiful." His Ma still thought of lunch as the ultimate attack of mid-day socializing. "If you mow the lawn, maybe you could even have a picnic!" Oh yes! A picnic! And if he hurried, he could plant some daisies for his hair before Seifer got there.  
  
"Awww Ma! We're soldiers, we don't picnic"   
  
"If you say so!" She smiled indulgently and hefted her full bag over her shoulder and gave him a wave. She clearly did not believe him. "I'm off! Be good while I'm gone!" She called, running out the door. Finally.  
  
Tch! Him and Seifer! A picnic! What had she been drinking before he woke up?!  
  
He showered and dressed in a forcibly leisure-like fashion. After all, he couldn't just go looking for Seifer at 10am, could he? that would be a little more forward than he'd like to be. Instead, he did every kind of hygienic routine he could think of. He trimmed his coiff, he clippes his nails, he flossed twice. He did a rinse and repeat, moisturized his face, buffed his nails, ironed his shirt, chose his outfit with excruciating care.   
  
He took a moment to comprehend that he was technically cleaner than he had ever been in his entire life. He'd cleaned out his ears and his belly button, done every type of beautifying activity that he had ever performed on himself, plus an extra (the buffing) and had nary a wrinkle on his garments. He was wearing some long shorts with various hanging straps gleaming silver against its artifical black and a fitted ringer shirt that was white with red, sporting a matching red design of an antique 'killer robot' toy on the chest. He wore black and red sneakers to match and a simple black wristband.  
  
He stood in front of the mirror and took one deep breath. When he was a kid, he thought for sure that when he grew up and was all muscular and had some money that the world would be his. He was glad that he hadn't known that no matter how strong you are, there's always something that'll get to ya. He smirked wryly at his reflection before stepping away and heading down the stairs. He had a mental list of locations that he would look for Seifer at.  
  
The first and perhaps most embarrassing, was his workplace. He didn't want to talk to the foreman, or anyone like that. He planned on scouting out the location first, seeing if Seifer emerged from below the decks of one of the various ships in repair at the Balamb docks. He found himself situated between a bush and a stonewall overlooking the maintenance harbor that was on the other side of the train station. Nope, no Seifer so far.  
  
"See anything interesting?" A smooth voice asked from behind. Zell whirled around, his fists instintively raised to defend himself. He was rather surprised, it'd take someone of at least considerable training to sneak up on Zell. Someone with training like Seifer's whose cold blue eyes he was now looking into.  
  
Zell dropped his fists from their defensive stance, one hand going over his eyes as he gasped for his lost breath.  
  
"Fucking shit, Seifer! You scared the piss outta me!"   
  
The taller man smirked, his body taking on that old stance. The one that spoke of danger and confidence. "Heh, I knew you couldn't stay away for too long."  
  
"Whatever. I was keeping up on some smugglers that were rumored to be in this port."  
  
"In other words, you were spying on me."  
  
"I was n-!" There we are, just like always. but not this time. "Whatever, Seifer. Think what you want, but you came up here for a reason." He pointed a finger at Seifer, as if there had to have been some illicit reason for his arrival at the scene. Maybe he had been watching Zell all this time? That'd be like him. Watching him to see when he'd go looking for him and then surprising him at the right moment. But it'd be way more effective with a crowd. Maybe he was being recorded!  
  
Seifer, on the other hand, seemed entirely nonplussed about the situation at this point. He'd been hoping that this visit would be friendly, if not subtly romantic. Maybe he'd ruined the mood when by first scaring and then teasing Zell."Yes I am. The reason is is that this is where I usually take my breaks." Good save!  
  
Zell mentally re-evaluated the pros and cons of finding Seifer. Suddenly there were very few pros and very many cons. He'd come, he'd seen, he could leave with sound mind. He gave a curt wave and walked briskly past Seifer. "Fine. I'll see you."   
  
"And the drug smugglers I assume."   
  
"Them too." He replied, giving him the finger over his shoulder.  
  
Seifer watched him walk away. Down the hill and around the corner. He swore he could have seen Zell's head bobbing through the busy crowd. He swore at himself for leaving without him. Truth was that he had the rest of the day off. The perfect situation which he had perfectly ruined.  
  
He sighed and started walking down the hill some twenty minutes after Zell had left. He'd spent the time staring up at the sky and asking it when was it that he decided to ruin every good chance that came his way. Yeah, he didn't know either.  
  
----  
  
End Chapter 9  
  
Author's Note: Yeah, I know this part is a bit raw. But I've been working on this fanfic for months now. Since September of last year and I really would like to finish it. So I may speed up the process and edit later. I hope you'll forgive me, but I expect that there are no particularly large flaws.  
  
The next chapter gets PG-13 for suggestive imagery! Are you excited? I am! 


	10. You still have something to lose

Important terms one should know re: Zell Dincht, Seifer Almasy  
  
Fall-in: Term used to describe the condition incurred from a prolonged period of healing magic usage, offensive magic usage, healing agents intake, and Guardian Force junctioning. Usually occurrs 2-3 weeks after lapse in use. Symptoms may be fatal in extreme cases if not cared for properly. Short term symptoms include shakes, temporarly loss of memory (either selective or total), high fevers, nightmares, mood swings.   
  
Long term symptoms take two forms: psychological and physical. The physical symptoms are specified to the acts that caused them. Excessive use in offensive magic or status boosting items may lead to early athritis, for example. Psychological affects are more related to the situation than the usage. See Post-Traumatic Stress syndrome.   
  
MIAR: Stands for Mental Intensity Aptitude Resistance. A term used when training persons to forego prolonged periods of extreme stress with lessened temporary and permanent damage. High-training military personnel are most often subjected to this training for a number of years. It usually involves identifying stressors and rationalizing morally questionable circumstances to ensure a greater aptitude for following orders.   
  
Garden: A neutral military academy falling outside government jurisdictions. Gardens offer a foundation of education, physical prominence, and warfare training. They are ranked thusly:  
  
Junior Cadets: Cadets come into Garden between the ages of 8-11. According to ability, not age, they are segregated into separate groups based on individual merits. The curriculum focuses on laying down a groundwork of regular exercise, balance and coordination, science, communications, and languages. All junior cadets are required to learn two other languages, these languages are selected by the group as a whole and are taught for functionality, not fluency. Junior Cadets become cadets once they pass certain written exams proving that they are ready to move beyond academics-based education to field training and independent study.  
  
Cadets: Those who have passed the written exam. They are grouped in a loosely cohesive core class by name. These classes focus on loose guidance to lead the cadet on their training. Cadets are given a wide variety of choices for assignments to perform. Based on their performance on and choice of assignments, the instructor will enroll them in training programs. In this way cadets can move gracefully and with ease into their most suited roles within Garden. The instructor's guidance plays a vital part often times with students who cannot find their own strengths.  
  
SeeD: SeeDs have attained the full entitlement of their years of education. Those who become SeeDs have passed a strenuous real life exam that has proven that they are capable of dangerous situations. Once one is a SeeD, even at the lowest level, they are a better trained soldier than most people ever attain in regular government militaries.  
  
Guardian Forces (sub-section: junctioning): Spiritual forces can be bound to one's own spirit to call forth another power into this dimension. Along with this juncture comes boosted abilities borrowed from the other creature, as well as the ability to junction it non-physical forces, such as magic, to add power to this boosting.  
  
Recent events have brought side-effects of junctioning to light. Loss of memories is the first and most evident symptom. Other recorded, lesser symptoms have included change in hair color, causing electronics to malfunction, troubled sleep, loss of eye vision (single, extreme case). It is theorized that the Guardian Forces cannot exist in much presence within this dimension, so there must be a power source to supply them. Symptoms have all included loss of some form of cerebral function that cannot be measured except by objectivity. Thusly, it seems that they require thoughts, feelings, or dreams to subside on. In this way of thinking, magic gives them the power to exist much more within the dimension, giving them the greater opportunity to keep their host, the junctioner, alive so that he may summon them.  
  
The night after Seifer had arrived at his house.  
  
And Zell was thinking a lot about fall-in. He thought about it mostly in the context that it had changed him. Could he even think like himself as he would before? Had he grown or had he been warped. At least before he had felt more keenly than he did know. He had known pain and intense joy. He whooped and cried and hollered. Now he just felt like he just sat there many times, watching people pass by.  
  
Some people had commented that he was more silent than usual. They said he had 'matured' that he was a new person...but they were civilians and junior cadets. They didn't understand what it was that they had gone through. That you never said those things to a person who had to be treated for 2 weeks for fall-in. It had been pounded into their heads that you had to understand that all that magic and otherworldly shit didn't just heal you, it warped you. Just like if you had ever single hair yanked out of your head so that it wouldn't grow back, and you used a mystical healing agent, your hair may have a greenish tint. Or the front end of your head would grow at eight times the pace as the back of your head. Or something freaky like that.  
  
Not to say that everyone who ever did that shit had those results. Some people were fine, like Quistis for example. She admitted to the occassional nightmare or phantom monster, but she hadn't changed in any unexplainable way. Not much. She was Quistis and could draw a clear line from who she was to who she was now.   
  
Selphie, on the other hand, hadn't fared as well. Losing Trabia had cost her and after Fall-in, she was different. She was still wild, and cute. But she was wild and cute in a different way. She stopped trying to get people to join events she was planning and started trying to get people to go to this or that exotic location with her. She started saving money and vacationing. She was still a SeeD, but was now working a desk job. She had girlfriends that had never known her before she had gone on this trip. That was real fall-in. She just wasn't who she was before. No explanations, no reasons or cares. She acted like she barely knew Squall.  
  
Actually, wait, everyone barely knew Squall. Besides, it wasn't good to think about Selphie. Quistis and Irvine were right that she was happier than she had been. The Fall-in had separated her, as a person, from the events that had happened. She remembered them, but they didn't fit in. She was free to stop feeling the pain of what had happened for the rest of her life.  
  
She was free. to stop feeling the pain. of her life before. for the rest of her life.  
  
Shit. Guess he hadn't gotten fall-in after all.  
  
---  
  
I wanted to cover some of what had changed Zell the 2 years since Ultimecia's attack.  
  
oh, and a little more suspense never hurt anyone.  
  
without a heart condition.  
  
or with child.  
  
if those warning signs on roller coasters are to be believed, anyway.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I promise I'll try to make things extra juicy when they co-I mean, happen! xo 


	11. The second time around

Imagine if you will, Seifer's line of vision. His deep blue eyes stared through the criss crossed, white lace lined window into Zell's house. The wind flowing through the open window and to the back ruffled the lovely, almost sheer white of the material, playing with the image of hand-embroidered tablecloths and dark wood. Bookshelves filled with books and magazines and photo albums in the open room beyond, with its comfortable seating and plush rug. Another window with the same curtains let in a stream of warm sunlight, warming the atmosphere of the small abode. A house like this could never hold pain for too long, it was a home. The type you dreamed about had you lived there or not.  
  
And through that second window the yard with the comfortable hammock and green grass. Zell was in front of the window, wiping sweat off of his brow with one muscular arm. The blue of the sky and the trees swaying gently behind him made a picturesque, colorfull scene. He was shirtless, wearing a simple pair of red jogging shorts that were slightly damp. He looked like he had been hosed down, the muscles on his chest and stomach literally shining in the light. He looked like he was an angel. It looked like Seifer was dreaming. That he was returning home for lunch in the middle of a hard day's work where comfort and uh, comfort waited for him. An angel in heaven, that's what he looked like.  
  
With a hot body and a killer smile to match. match not included at this moment however. The serenity was broken when Zell decided the lawnmower was "A stupid, shitty, lazy ass piece of stupid shit."  
  
Some angel, eh?  
  
Seifer didn't think that Zell would have calmed down fully from that last little spat in just forty five minutes. He really hadn't thought that he would try to calm himself down by stripping half-naked, hosing himself down, and mowing a lawn. Well, he had always known that Zell was a strange one, this clinched it. And what an attractive birthmark on his lower back! Careful boy, don't drool over him, he's still pissed. Although, he took some satisfaction in knowing that more than half of the frustration Zell was taking out on the lawnmower wasn't from its dysfunction. No, Zell was mad that Seifer hadn't swooned over him when he showed up. He was pissed that he hadn't, but he still liked knowing that that's what Zell had wanted. The little chicken was quick to the draw, wasn't he?  
  
If it had been Seifer in his place talking to himself, he wouldn't have forgiven himself in a million years. He supposed that's why he thought they would work. He was an asshole and Zell was better than he thought at getting over that. Or at least being distracted from it.  
  
He raised his fist to rap quickly on the door, but hesitated. Was it too soon? he didn't want to fuck things up even more if he could help it. Zell may not let him inside. Or just ignore the door. He had done that once when they were 12 or 13. Seifer was trying to get inside the shared dormitory for junior cadets after leaving his keycard somewhere and Zell had just ignored him.  
  
Nix plan #1, go to plan #2. Which was to just walk inside as if it were the most casual thing ever. Easy enough, he wiped his hands on his dirty jeans carefully before turning the doorknob and walking into the home. He closed it behind him, as if he expected to stay awhile, or lived there, or actually was even welcome in any sense of the word by the currently resident. Which he was not, which burnt just a little.  
  
"Ma? You home already?" Zell's voice floated from around the small door to the back. "This damn lawnmower doesn't wanna work. Haven't we had this since I was, like, 7? You should let me buy..." His voice trailed off as he came face to face with who was most certainly not his mother. Or if it was his mother, things were going to get a little complicated. His fists raised ever so slightly, like some people jump or squeak or freeze when they're scared. Zell immediately sets into a defensive stance and only after do his eyes go wide.   
  
He reacted immediately, barely sparing a moment to stare at him, as if he figured Seifer might show up. His voice started in the soft notes of surprise, but quickly rose to more heated heights of anger. "Seifer? What the hell are you doing in my fucking house? Get out!" He just about yelled, pointing a very pointed finger at the front door that he had come in from.   
  
He started in, sounding apologetic (which he was) and holding his hands out in an open gesture. "Listen, Zell I"   
  
"Out!"  
  
He tried pleading. "Zell, please"  
  
"Get out!"  
  
Now he tried sounding sad. "Zell..."  
  
"Get. out. of. my. house." The latest reply was spoken through gritted teeth. It was interesting to note that even his neck turned red when he was very angry. If he got any angrier, Seifer thought he was going to spit at him. Wow, he had no idea that Zell would get this upset. Wait, yes he did, he just never stuck around to see the results of it after Zell ran off.  
  
"C'mon"  
  
"Fuck off!" This time he wasn't waiting for Seifer to leave of his own volition. He grabbed his arm with surprising strength (or maybe he's just never used it on me before, Seifer thought) and dragged his considerably larger bulk with him towards the exit to the street.   
  
"Zell, can we just talk about this, you can't be that mad about this." He tried reasoning with him in the very short distance across the small house, but didn't get so much as an additonal "Zell, I" Before the door was firmly slammed shut in his face. "I'm sorry!" He shouted through the door before Zell could walk away. That was it. He didn't hear any more footsteps retreating from the front door, so he had to still be listening. That was the opening he needed. "I'm sorry I said that shit, okay? I'm sorry for everything, just c'mon open the door. Zell! C'mon, don't lock me out like this, I know I was an asshole." He waited, hoping that Zell would say something, anything rather than keep him in silence.   
  
Hell, he wasn't even completely sure that Zell was listening. In these years of vigorous training and Seifer's slowly slipping away, he might've left. but he had to take the chance that he was right and Zell would still be behind the door, regardles. He yelled even louder, ignoring the slight warmth that spread to his cheeks as he was about to admit some embarrassing things to both neighbors and street passerbys. "A big asshole and I'm not just talking about all those years, I mean specifically really recently." He waited for a moment, trying to smoke Zell out. Fuck, if that hadn't worked there was nothing else he could say. In public and yelling through a door at someone he didn't even know didn't hate him for real, anyway.  
  
He was rewarded because less than five seconds later came the still angry reply from behind the door. "How recently?" He asked.  
  
Shit, he wasn't going to just let this go away easy, was he? "Just before, on the hill. I didn't mean to make you leave like that. Bad habits die hard, I guess."  
  
"Yeah, I guessed that too. Good luck on that."  
  
He knocked on the door as if it would help. Rinoa had done this to him at least three times and each time he ended up knocking on the door and feeling like the biggest asshole ever. Actually, that was really the point, wasn't it? "Zell, I'm really really sorry I said that shit to you. C'mon, I just wanted you to stay but was too big an idiot to just say it." There, the air had a less tense feeling about it. Was it because Zell was less angry or because he had finally admitted it? Either way, he laid down his hook. "I only have twenty minutes before I have to go back for cleanup, Zell. I was hoping we could talk." Okay, so he had maybe he had lied a little, but add a single word 'would' to that sentence, for would have to go back and it would be completely true. It was just a small fib. Anything to look at that birthmark again, he hoped Zell hadn't toweled off yet. Shit, he really was an asshole for thinking about that now.  
  
But all doubt was gone when the door opened just the slightest crack so Zell could peer out. Looking for a tank or what? His eyes darted to both sides before he decided Seifer was safe and opened the rest of the way up. He had the exact same expression as his Ma when she was mad at someone. All cold and diffident as if they could drop off a cliff and they wouldn't bat an eyelash. When had he picked that up? Probably from teaching. "Alright, talk." He said plainly enough, stalking off to the reading room to pick up his flimsy tank top, just leaving the door open for Seifer. His face looked set in stone.  
  
Okay, now he had to talk. He walked in slowly and closed the door at a snail's pace. He didn't want to make any quick movements and spook Zell. The goal was to be as non-threatening as humanly possible. For Seifer, anyway. "Well, I just came by to say I'm sorry and I didn't want to upset you. I was hoping that we could remain friends." He winced at that word. /friends/ Let's be friends. Let's be buddies. We can watch broadcasts and drink beer together out of cans. Fuck. "Or you know, whatever." Fuck again, what the hell had he just said?  
  
---  
  
Remember what I said about suspense in the last chapter's notes? Well, just repeat that to yourself and insert my evil laughter...here.  
  
Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and I'd once again to encourage people to, in fact, review. Because I like reviews and people who review and ask favors may get them. hinthint 


	12. An unheard whisper

You learned something new everyday. For Seifer, it was that Zell could raise his left eyebrow so high it threatened to disappear into his hairline. It said everything he was thinking. All he was thinking basically amounted to wha? huh? come again?  
  
He had to say something else quick before he could dwell on it. "Look, I'm just sayin that I wanna make up to you for all that stuff in the past, alright?" He still had his hands held out in front of him, palms open in a pleading gesture.  
  
"You don't need to make up for nothin." The response was a little too quick. Zell didn't want him to make up for the Ultimecia incident, he had gotten over Seifer's involvement in that, it was his feelings that he was wary of. Seifer was probably to blame for many of his really bad memories. But really, by denying that there was even anything to make up for made not a single blasted thing easier. Fuck.  
  
"Alright, if you say so. Then why're you so pissed?"   
  
"Oh, it ain't important." He'd regressed to using broken speech. It was his habit when he got really pissed. He'd stopped talking like that years ago. Slipping back into old habits was not what he needed. Although he couldn't ignore the irony of their role reversal. Because that barb had hurt something fierce, his face flinched involuntarily as it absorbed into his skin almost physically.  
  
He blew out the breath he hadn't even known he was holding in a single, steady stream. Alright, he'd come, he'd apologized, and he'd been hurt. Not really badly, but it was a wound that would hurt like an infected cut. The healing would be far more painful than the actual injury. He might as well leave with his tail between his legs before things got any worse. "Fine, Zell. I'll just leave you alone."  
  
"Fine." Even now, with his face all scrunched up in anger, Zell was still distracting. A very small drop of sweat, or water, rolled down his neck onto his strong chest. His hand absently swept it away after it had run its course between those firm pectorals. The urges to lick his lips and stare and close his eyes were equally strong. Ambivalence wasn't a pretty thing.  
  
"Fine." He chose to close his eyes as he turned around. He wanted to be able to imagine Zell's face as something less than what it was now. He didn't want to see his burning eyes or scowling face. He could tell himself, when he was drunk or deluded enough, that his face regretted what he'd done. Turning Seifer away forever, which was entirely untrue. Because even now all he had to do was call to him and he would answer. Pathetic much, Almasy?  
  
He had certainly had enough. He'd retreat to his casually stylish apartment and sit on his couch until he couldn't feel anymore and it wasn't even saturday yet. He was ahead of schedule. He opened the door in a huff. The wind smelled like some flowers nearby and carried a soothing coolness to the sun's bearing heat. Balamb's weather was almost like heaven.  
  
The door shut abruptly before he could step out of it, Zell's back to it. Shit, the little man had gotten better since he'd last seen him. He wasn't that distracted that once upon a time he wouldn't have noticed Zell's movements. No, he had stayed as alert, maybe more, than he had ever been. It was Zell that had gotten better and he realized he was very unnerved from that. It just hadn't occurred to him that he was in no way a match for the SeeD. He had just assumed.  
  
"You hungry?" He asked, leaning against the door casually, as if he'd been waiting there the whole time. Jesus, he didn't even look like he'd strained himself to do that. Seifer wondered what the hell he'd be capable of if he'd made SeeD and stayed on. Who the fuck knew, because he had always been better at the stealth than Zell had. He could have probably snuck up on someone in an open plain, like a cougar.  
  
Maybe it was that he was still upset, and surprised, but he didn't respond for a full few seconds. Those seconds seemed like eternity to experience that small acorn of regret that was always in Seifer's chest. The one that reminded him everywhere that he went and every night that he was missing something that could have been his. He liked to blame it on his fuck-ups in the past, but it was him. He was still missing everything that could be his, he was missing it regretting everything else and he wasn't sure how long he could lie to himself. Without the lie he might break and shit he did not want to get teary-eyed in front of Zell.  
  
It took him a couple of tries to get his voice to work. "What?" He asked, his voice a deep breath, which sounded aggressive, but was really part of a well kept secret. If he was hurt, or upset, his voice would sometimes squeak. He'd talked in that voice for two and a half years until he realized puberty's devastating vocal effect had removed itself almost entirely from his person. He'd breathed easier after that.  
  
"I said, are you hungry? Ma said to feed you." Alright, she hadn't said to feed him, but close enough. She figured he'd be here and that he'd be hungry. Hell, if he was anything like he used to be, that was true all the time. SeeD cadets were infamous for their appetites. Study Study Train Train Study Train. All day, all night, in their dreams and even in the fucking shower. A Seed cadet's life was beyond hectic and they needed plenty of food to support that. Seifer often had needed two trays to carry his lunches.  
  
Zell kept his face an impressive blank. It had taken Quistis seven months to get him to master it. She said students would take advantage of every showed emotion, most times you needed to keep them guessing at what you were thinking. She also said it was good for field training. It forced them to look at other things you did or said to unravel your plans. She still hadn't gotten him to change his habits on a moment's notice. It was something she did regularly to throw them off. It made them rely on their own judgement. After Ultimecia, Quistis had gotten good at being an instructor. Real good.  
  
Seifer shrugged and he stared at him. Zell wasn't the only one playing mr. blank face in the room. Except Seifer's hand had been trembling just some seconds before. He was really upset by something, but if he had wanted to leave he would have made some sort of sign. That much aggression didn't just disappear overnight in someone who'd based their own lives on it. Seifer may be nicer now, but he was still aggressive as hell. It was what he was: pushy and demanding.  
  
He pulled a chair from the table and gestured to it. "Have a seat." His voice was flat, cold. He still was friggin pissed at Seifer and he wasn't going to let him off so easily. Naw, Seifer'd be back on him in a second and he had to stay strong. Staying strong in this case meant not caving in because Seifer looked pained. Yeah, the guy was in pain, big surprise there. It wasn't hard for most people who had only known Seifer mildly that he'd be upset at losing all his status. Shit, he had less than status now, no one would make him anything. The best he could hope for was skilled manual labor, which was what he was doing now.  
  
Zell tried not to think about it while he put on his firm fitting red tank top, which had laid, forgotten, on the chair before Seifer had arrived. He opened the small refrigerator open. Electricity and space were expensive in Balamb, so appliances here were as small as they could be. Packed tightly into one of the shelves was a stacked container with the ingredients for sandwiches in separated layers. He plucked a freshly baked loaf of bread from the breadmaker and put it on the cutting board. His hands moved almost automatically. He'd made himself lunch like this for more years than he had fingers.  
  
He'd heard Selphie, after the change, tell Squall that someone couldn't surive off pride alone. It had seemed so strange, her standing next to Irvine in a rose pink dress that swished around her knees, her hair cut much shorter than it had been before. Her glossy lips moving, pouring out things that would've sounded too smart to come from someone three times her age. From war veterans either. The creepiest thing about her was that the fall-in had opened something deep in her mind that made her different from other people.   
  
She told Squall that pride was weakness and separated us from everyone else. Humans are social creatures, she said, separation mentally is the same as trying to make it on your own without a baker, or a dairy farmer, or a doctor. Some people could do it, but for Squall, it was like trying to raise crops on a snow capped mountain. She said something to him then, so quietly, that he had actually cried in front of everyone and would never talk about the experience later. He still had not changed, but a potential was there that hadn't been.  
  
He wished he had known what Selphie had said. It must have been something really important, something strong enough to cut through everything to the person underneath. He wished most of all that he could call and ask her, but he just didn't know what to say to her. He knew she understood what had happened to herself and what it had changed between them, so she stayed away as much as possible, giving them room to grieve.  
  
He could hear Seifer's slight fidgeting in the dining room. Only five feet away and he was finishing up the sandwiches with a flourish of the knife that was automatic, not planned. He wished he had been cooking a very large meal because he wasn't ready to face Seifer yet. He wasn't ready to face himself yet. But there they both were, waiting to face each other. Anger wasn't an option anymore, it had bled away from him as fastly as it had come and for once he cursed himself for it.  
  
He gently laid a plate with the sandwich in front of Seifer, putting his own plate to the right of Seifer. He did not flinch when the warm hand wrapped around his wrist. "Zell" his voice was almost pleading and he turned to meet those blue, blue eyes with his own. There was something in them and he was certain that whatever Selphie would have said to him, he had already said to himself. He had the look of a fresh wound, a fresh hurt. But he wasn't sad about it, it was like something had broken inside of him and a new, unexplored entity had been thrown to the front of his person.  
  
He wanted to ask what Seifer was doing, but his breath caught in his throat as one arm wrapped around him. His arms were as warm as he imagined them to be, Seifer's body practically radiated heat. He was like a furnace and Zell was being fed right into the fire, staring into those blue eyes. His lips, half opened, trembled in anticipation. And he almost touched them, so close to his face, he could smell Seifer's after-shave mingled with the sweat of his work. The oil and the machinery and the ocean.  
  
When he pulled away, Seifer didn't let go, sending them sprawling on the floor. Seifer lay on his side, still clutching the other blonde close. The white of his eyes was showing. Shock, maybe, or fear of what Zell was about to do. Break his heart, crush his dreams, or maybe give him what he wanted. Because despite himself, he was pressing closer, resisting the urge to nuzzle the larger man. And so help him, he came very close, his eyes half-lidded and blood swelling his lips. He could taste Seifer's breath before he pulled away again, slower this time. Seifer's eyes had closed completely and you could see the naked grief in his face when Zell stood up, away from him.  
  
Seifer's hair was tousled, just a little bit. Had he really done that, slid his fingers through the blunt blondness on his head. He could still feel the tingle of his heat where he had touched a cheek. He could steel feel the weight of his calf on his own. Could still feel the protection of his encircling arm. The wind felt cold compared to that burning sensation and he felt exposed and lonely. He felt that part of himself that no one could fill, not even himself and most especially not Seifer.  
  
Zell left the room, just like that. He turned on his heels and walked up the stairs, not an invitation or a farewell. He had exited the little play that had taken place. His most painful lesson had been that he never really wanted to be a major character, just a bit one. He had thought he had wanted to, but pretending was much better than being.  
  
He did not look out the window after he heard the door close. He settled for hugging his knees on his bed and replaying the events in his mind over and over again in his brain. What if he had kissed Seifer? what then?  
  
What then, for sure.  
  
---  
  
Thank you to everyone who's reviewed (special thanks to Zierra)! It pleases me to no end that I can entertain people with things from my own brain!  
  
This isn't the end yet! Keep your eyes pealed for further adventures with our two semi-closeted heroes quest to discover the finer moments of each other's company. cough 


	13. Smart as a whip

[intermission]  
  
Fittingly, his last two days in Balamb were filled with cloudy skies and biting winds as Summer faded out into Autumn. If you asked Zell what his favorite time of year was, he wouldn't have told you this time of year. But he did very much enjoy it even though he did not remember. The air smelled fresh and clear and the streets quieted down considerably. There were less screaming children, they were probably all inside solemnly enjoying the last days of vacation. Hushed footsteps trailing under sparesely turning trees. Their voices filtered in through his window.  
  
He wondered if Ma would call up just out of habit. She still was surprised that he could finally take care of himself. Thanks Ma. He packed the last tank top into his round duffel bag and hauled it over his shoulder. With some trepidation and more than a little relief, he was returning to Garden. He never thought his vacation would ever leave him longing to return to Garden, but anything was welcome over this confusion.  
  
He hadn't thought of Seifer much in Garden and he was hoping it continued. A night's sleep and he had decided that this whole deal was a little too fucked for him. He was trying to get away from messed up relationships, not find more to participate in. Sorry Seifer, but this shit was too weird for most people.  
  
He tromped down the stairs, his Ma waiting at the bottom of the stairs. She probably didn't realize it, but it was exactly where she was standing when he first left for Garden and where she always stood whenever he was leaving for Garden. She wasn't necessarily a creature of great habit, but she had hers now and again.  
  
"Bye honey, I'll miss you." She said to him softly, giving him an affectionate hug when he reached the bottom of the stairs. His head was staring over her shoulder at the china closet they'd gotten when he was seven to replace the ratty old hutch.  
  
"Miss you too, Ma." He squeezed her back and walked towards the door. He'd be right on time to catch the train that would have been there if the train was ever on time. But it was always late. So he'd be right on time to wait a god awful long time for the train, but the day he didn't get there on time...it'd be early.   
  
His Ma stood in the open door as he stepped outside. She smiled and waved, "Write me when you get back!"  
  
"Yeah, Ma!" He answered, waving over his shoulder. She used to get so angry at him for doing that, but couldn't for the life of her get him to change that habit. After he'd become a SeeD she'd stopped bugging him about it. Oh Hyne, might as well please the woman. He turned around and waved at her with a bright smile and she laughed. He laughed too and set down the street in the mid-morning sun. The clouds were beginning to clear. Figures.  
  
[Garden]  
  
He'd arrived at Garden approximately four hours and thirty-two minutes after his train had (finally) departed Balamb. He hadn't anticipated the gauntlet awaiting him. Maybe gauntlet was too harsh a word to use with the well-meaning people that spoke to him, but it felt like one to him. He was stupid to not have been prepared for it.  
  
What gauntlet was he thinking of? "How was your vacation, Zell?" "Hey Zell, back already? I thought you'd never wanna come back!" "Instructor Dincht, have fun in Balamb?" It would have been easy enough for another, more demure person to give a noncommital answer, but this was Zell that everyone was speaking to. You could teach him to kill a dragon with a jump kick. You could teach him to argue better and to interpret sarcasm. You could not teach him to accurately lie about his feelings.  
  
But worst of all, he was afraid that he'd get caught up and reveal something he didn't want to. The something being Seifer, anything to do with Seifer, and any fact that he'd seen him at all. He'd managed to avoid seriously talking to Quistis three days later, but she was beginning to suspect something was up. Everyone else had gotten some pathetic story about getting caught up in his work. Ouch, he'd be paying for that one somewhere down the line, he was sure.  
  
For now, he'd take everything out on the punching mat. Geez, a little under two weeks of light hour-long workouts and he was all rusty. His heel drops just didn't have the snap they had when he was under intense regular training. It'd take him days to get back that power again. He raised up his leg and hurled the sneaker clad foot downward at his target. It landed with a satisfying whap! and he grinned. Alright, maybe minutes to get back. He was wearing a black tank top and a pair of red jogging shorts with black stripes.  
  
His new discipline included working out in the very, very early morning. which for others, was just the early morning. He'd made a promise to himself that he'd be more disciplined than ever when he returned from his vacation. Five-thirty AM workouts, bay-bee.  
  
"I see you kept your word, Zell Dincht." Enter, Quistis. It wasn't often people saw her in the training room anymore. She usually used the intructor's training room. In fact, she always did since she'd become an instructor. Zell still used the SeeD rooms, it made him feel less stuffy. Which meant that Quistis had a reason for being here besides doing warm up stretches before she started snapping that whip of hers everywhere.  
  
"Yeah well, when you're as good as me, it takes a new level of training to hit that next level!" He grinned and aimed a three-hit high-punch, low-kick, mid-elbow combo at the target at a blinding speed. Even without GF, he had become a combat specialist on at least a hemispheral level.   
  
"How's the whip goin? Can you hit a Quarter-pieceyet?" The only trick he'd really learned with Quistis is to start in early and academic. She'd read that true world experts with a whip could hit a quarter-piece with their whip. Many of these people had been older and had more time to just practice than Quistis had. It counted as hitting if you could show a council that you could hit the coin five times in a row, or at least spin it. They gave you retries, but apparently it was almost impossible to do by luck and the coin was tossed by a randomizing machine. Quistis could "hit" a two-inch disk currently, but that had been damn hard for her at first and now was like child's play. She was aiming to be able to hit a single piece. That kind of shit puts you in the world record books for, like, ever. Anyone with hand writing as good as hers could do it.  
  
"Not yet, but I sent a video to one of the oldest council members who saw someone almost do it. He said I wasn't as good as that person, but they'd been a year older than me and trained for hours each day." She shrugged and twined the fingers of each hand together and leaned forward as far as she could go, stretching all the joints in her arms front and then back. Every person who became a SeeD was so used to stretching that they treated it like going to the bathroom. Just something you had to do everyday, regular as breathings. "He thinks if I pick up my training that I might be the next one. I've considering taking some days off when we reach Galbadia to see a specialist and pick up some pointers." She stood upright and looked right into Zell's eyes, who was preparing to send one ass load of a combination at the innocent computer generated target. It told him how much power was behind each attack and how accurate it was. It gave a lot of greens to him (which meant great!).  
  
"Shit, you're going to be in the record books, Quistis. They'll give you, like, a crystal whip or something." He joked before sending a flurry of punches in repetition and as fast as he could go. The screen blinked green with every attack.   
  
"Yeah, maybe. But until then I'll just have to satisfy myself with knowing why you're avoiding saying anything about Seifer." Shit, there was a yellow one, one punch had landed just a little off. He kept the motion going to avoid saying anything to Quistis. Look! I'm punching at a holographic target, I'll talk to you later! He could keep this up for minutes, maybe she'd just drop it. Yeah, right. "You didn't...sleep with him?"  
  
Red. Red. Red. Quistis gasped. "You did! Didn't you!?" She put one hand up to her mouth while her jaw was agape.  
  
"What?! No!" As if he wasn't shocked enough, her next question was to ask him how far he'd gone. He told her nowhere and she barraged him with questions. He'd been avoiding this inevitable conversation, but for entirely different reasons than he had thought because Quistis wasn't asking him why he had let Seifer get that far from him. She was asking him why hadn't he because he didn't have a good reason either.   
  
"You need to call him." She concluded.  
  
"Why?" Talking to Seifer shouldn't be her objective for him. Not talking to Seifer, yes. Talking, no.   
  
"Because you obviously need some sort of closure." Closure? Had she been reading the student's magazines she confistacted?  
  
"Soooo you wanna see me call him and tell him I don't want him near me?"   
  
"No, I mean call him and set up an...appointment."  
  
"An appointment."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sounds like a date to me." Of course it sounded like a date, unless she expected him to bring files and grade him. Then again with Quistis...nah.  
  
"Well, that tells you something doesn't it." It didn't tell him anything, which meant Quistis was trying to make him learn some stupid lesson his own. Shit on that.  
  
"Shut it, Quistis." He was learning to hate it less and less when she was right. But it was still really fucking annoying since she was right like all the fucking time. And he meant all the fucking time.  
  
While Zell taught his students and trained, Seifer lived his life among oil slicked walls and pounding engines. Balamb had a steady flow of ships coming to and from the city. Either returning from large fishing trips or fueling up for longer journeys. He was there as an engineer. His days were spent out of the sun and below decks, toying with machinery with sometimes as little as a pocket flashlight between his teeth.  
  
Some of the ships had been made during the long war, when parts were scarce. This meant that there was literally only as much room as necessary. This meant that sometimes he would be below the water line in a ship with no electricity with only enough room to squeeze his shoulders between the machinery and the hull. The ceilings sometime were so low that he'd have to spread his legs out as if he were imitating a frog while squeezing. Then as best as he could he'd fix the problem with a lantern. It was grueling work, stretching out warm hours. He hated the way he often could not get the smell of oil out of his skin.  
  
He kept his apartment up to date and stylish because it was the only place in his life he could really control. He could no longer control what people thought about him in their towns, or their cities. He couldn't tell them what not to say behind his back after he left the diner or the laundromat or any other place. In his own home, he controlled exactly who was let in and what went where. He wasn't one for leaving his home very often, which was the number one reason it was so clean. He'd picked up reading in his spare time and still trained with a mock gunblade out of habit.  
  
Although he'd really picked up a new and most unnerving habit. Brooding. He even had a place for it. He'd lay on his spotless white couch, like he had been more and more frequently since the incident with the other blonde. Incident with the other blonde...sounded like a matter for the police. He had his feet propped on the arm of the couch. No way around it, almost all couches weren't made for someone as long as he was. His feet were bare where they stuck out from the slightly too long black slacks. He wore a white wifebeater. He kinda looked like shit, but who the hell was going to see him?   
  
he cradled his new pillow in his left arm. He'd bought it specifically for his new brooding. It was satiny on one side and downy like a child's stuffed animal on the other. He couldn't have bought it if it was soft on both sides, or he would no longer be able to delude himself that no one would notice. He was positive that if someone had seen it that they would know what it was used for, which was ridiculous, but what else was he to do?  
  
He had been very ready to set into a long thinking session about where exactly his life had gone wrong: the sorceress, the other sorceress, joining SeeD, the matter with Zell, being mean to Zell in the first place, giving Squall the scar, Rinoa, or just being an orphan in general? Choices, choices. It could take him the whole day to only elaborate on a few of those events! Fortunately, the phone rang. Which was in itself odd because the phone never rang after he returned from work. Even if they needed to speak to him, they were too paranoid about his personal life for whatever reason to call him at home. The phone served to have messages from telemarketers who were absolutely delighted that there was no sorceress to prevent tele-communication.  
  
Fuck it, every second on the phone meant one more second of avoiding a full day of depression on the couch. He fumbled for the simple white plastic phone on its shiny black surface and brought it to his face. It had taken him by such surprise that he was almost afraid of what he'd hear on the other line. So his greeting sounded more like a question. Should I even be greeting you? "H-hello?"  
  
"Seifer?" The connection had a little crackle to it. Like the person was talking from very far away and had to pass through the cans on string a megaphone and then into his phone. Even still, the voice was familiar, although deeper than he was used to.  
  
"Zell?" To say he sounded surprised was an understatement. He sat up quickly and looked around like he might be being watched. If he was, they'd be able tot tell that he had been caught completely off guard.  
  
"Yeah, hey. S'up?" What's up? He was being awfully casual, which put him off. He desperately wanted to regain control of this conversation, but he had to first decide if he was awake or having some kind of delusionary fantasy which would probably turn out very badly.  
  
"Uh, just the usual." It was the reply he gave to the guys at work he was friendly with. Hey, Seifer, what's going on? Oh, just the usual. Feeling shunned by the world and knowing it's because they hate me for good reason. Oh, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Did you notice I'm remarkably young to have fucked up so badly? me, too.  
  
"Cool." The voice replied and he couldn't decide if the silence afterwards was awkwardness or if Zell was even there. With the crackling of the line, he wasn't able to decipher if there was breathing on the other end of the line. Had they been cut off and Zell was trying to call him back?  
  
"Zell? Zell, are you still there?" Good, that hadn't sounded too desperate.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. I'm still here." The voice sounded startled, like he had been thinking about something or...nervous. Shit, he was going to tell him to step off and not tell anybody.  
  
"I thought we'd been cut off." Seifer answered, his defenses finally up to at least a small degree. He wasn't going to play any of his cards first, let Zell jump the gun.  
  
"Nah. I was just, y'know." Y'know what? Was Zell laughing at him with someone he couldn't hear? Getting ready to record the conversation?  
  
"Yeah."   
  
"So."   
  
"So."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Yeah, um, I'm at Garden now."  
  
"And?"  
  
"The connection's sorta bad. Sorry about that. They're tryin to get it fixed up, but it's takes fucking forever."  
  
"Yeah." Zell was definitely avoiding saying something he didn't want to. If he had to give one more yeah, he was fucking hanging up the phone or he'd explode. Open this guy and he'll explode in ten seconds. Please clear the general area.  
  
"So, uh. Yeah. I was wond'rin if y'know maybe you're busy but whatever Balamb's not that far and we ain't travelin since these techies and shit, but uh yeah I was thinkin we could make an appointment."  
  
"An appointment?" What in the name of Hyne was a bloody fucking appointment supposed to mean. was he going to advise him on his taxes?  
  
"Yeah, so maybe some night like you said you got most fridays off." He was talking in long, quick sentences. Seifer took a moment to process this new information. Some night, fridays. An appointment? It was sounding better by the second. He answered affirmatively. "Cool, two weeks OK?" Yeah, it was okay. Better than okay maybe. He told him sure and hung up the phone, amazed that he'd clung to some sort of dignity.  
  
"Huh." He said to himself, laying back down, absently stroking the downy side of his new pillow. He stared up at the plain ceiling. An appointment two weeks on friday. Just this once, he indulged himself and let a slow lazy smile spread on his face. Since the curtains were all closed, he even let himself rest on that soft material. If it was pressed down, you could imagine it was someone's skin.  
  
End Chapter 13  
  
This is my longest chapter yet! I've started to put two spaces between all my paragraphs, does it help? Honestly, single spacing everything is a bizarre and probably bad habit I've had forever. I just don't know why, but I can't help it. I think it's that I feel like I'm cheating and can't accurately say how much I've written if there's more than one space between paragraphs. It is really useful when writing essays for school (when I went to school, that is). You'd have two and a half pages 10 font single spaced and BAM, when you reformatted your paper would be almost done. That was always kinda cool!  
  
Additional notes include the fact that I have NO SPELL CHECK PROGRAM on this computer. Can you believe it? Even more unbelievable, can you believe with that fact that I do not make more spelling errors? Also, I really think it'd be more phonetically correct to have Seifer's name be "Seiffer" and it's my most common mistake. I've worked hard to correct this, but at least I'm not as bad as some Doujinshi out there!  
  
Thanks so much to everyone who's reviewed! It really makes my day and totally motivates me to write more! xox 


	14. Pressed and tailored

"So you made the date?" Quistis was practically breathing down Zell's neck when he walked into the room the next morning. she'd been sending him not so covert hints the entire day before about it until Zell thought his patience had been worn beyond repair. Fortunately for Quistis (okay, fortunately for him) he found it viciously renewed when he woke up the next day. Now that he was slightly more sensible, he realized none of the students would have any idea what she was hinting at. At the moment, he'd irrationally thought that somehow, someway, someone would guess what they were talking about. Which meant that they had some amazing talent as a TELEPATH.  
  
Yeah, Zell knew how stupid he had been, but he had too much pride to admit it. Instead, he barely nodded an affirmative in her direction while he crossed the short distance from the classroom door to her desk. Class wasn't in session for another half an hour, but they met every morning to discuss student progress in the class. The next SeeD exam was coming up in a few weeks and Quistis liked to be prepared early.  
  
He glanced around the classroom, biding himself some time. He still wished that they had a little more decoration in the room. Last time he'd brought it up, just like every time he brought it up, Quistis claimed it would add more distraction than the passing scenery out the windows already was. She had enough trouble as it was keeping the student's attention on her. He did agree with her, but he always wished that there was something more for him to look at.   
  
As he feared, Quistis's eyes were waiting for his to finish their little circuit around the room. Shit, he knew what she was doing. She had learned how to sweat students out over the years. Before when she would have questioned, she'd learned a certain stare and waiting would just make someone positively ache to confess. That was nice, but he wasn't a student anymore. He was her assistant, already running some classes in hand to hand combat, he wouldn't fall to her tricks. But she was still staring at him with those cold, cold eyes of hers. Ice Queen, he thought to himself bitterly.  
  
And he conceded. He knew she was waiting for him to include details, so he did. "Two weeks from friday, when we pass near Balamb again." If he'd been just a SeeD, he wouldn't have been allowed to leave so soon after a vacation, but instructors and, to a lesser extent, their assistants were allowed to leave more liberally. It was to do with the fact that most of the people in the Garden were their students or subordinates. And you weren't supposed to try and grow especially close to them, which could create intense feelings of cabin fever. So they were allowed to get away from it all when there was time. He'd make time...somehow.  
  
"Oh?" She asked, arching both her eyebrows. She wished she had Zell's perfect single arch. She'd admired the way that he could use it to make the students squirm. Not all the time, but sometimes he positively made them want to protract themselves and confess everything they had ever done wrong. She had to give him that. Regardless, the one thing he really lacked was Quistis's quick wit, which had only grown sharper as her whip had in the past years. "And what time will you be meeting him? Where will you be going?"   
  
"That's not really any of your business." He replied flatly, hiding his chagrin.  
  
"I didn't imagine it was that serious." She meant that she wasn't aware that Zell wasn't planning on going anywhere after he met up with Seifer. She was teasing him.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "It's not what you're thinking."   
  
"Then what is it?" She asked calmly, resting her chin on one hand as if she were deeply interested in whatever he was about to say to her. In fact, she was. He considered deflecting by mentioning the reviews, but Quistis would only read deeper into that.  
  
"It's just, uh, you know...two friends getting together. To, like, talk." He stammered. It was moments like this that reminded him still how little forethought he put into anything. He should've had himself prepared for this beforehand. If he had taken a second to really think about it, he would have realized that this was exactly what Quistis would do to him.   
  
"To, like, talk." Her mimicry was not appreciated.  
  
He scowled in her general direction and made a show of looking through his copies of the grading grids Quistis used. It was his not so subtle way of saying that he had taken enough from her today. He stopped at one of the problem students and read dutifully. Backtalking, doesn't take to instruction, incessant tardiness...oh shit. "oh shit" He echoed his thoughts vividly, putting the folder on his lap to bring his hands up over his face. Time. He'd forgotten to set a time. He was a fucking idiot.  
  
Luckily for him, he had plenty to do to keep him busy. Like most things that he wasn't forced to confront that stressed him, Zell chose to ignore it and bury it in work. Seifer, as previously mentioned, had significantly less distractions and significantly more free time. SeeD and SeeD instructors were required to put more than full time into their roles. They trained, operated, instructed, and performed other duties as required. Seifer had blossomed in this environment. THe brooding came from the fact that he only worked forty-five hours a week. Then went home.  
  
He cooked complicated meals and still worked out. He kept up with his training enough to defend himself, but didn't dare to make himself as deadly as he once was. He was still watched and couldn't show that he was still a threat. He cleaned his carpets on his hands and knees. He browsed catalogs and considered purchases months before he made them. He cleaned out his refrigerator for the third time.  
  
He observed his face in the mirror for hours, wondering if his freckles from the sun were making him more or less attractive as they were more prominent than ever. He checked each individual section of hair to ensure that it was the appropriate length and trimmed it if necessary (hey, people's hair naturally grows at least slightly uneven). He made sure his finger nails were always clean, which was no mean feat for a machinist. He sewed the button on that shirt he'd meant to repair for almost a year.   
  
He put the shelves up in his closet, he started doing extra pushups. The strain was going to kill him. He didn't know when Zell would come for him, but he was determined to be fully prepared to wait the entire day. He was steeling himself mentally for when he would come. He would not look hurt if he showed very late. If he showed up not at all, he'd never mention it again and never speak to Zell as long as he would live.  
  
In fact, he wondered if it might be better if he didn't show up. Vengeance made Seifer try to improve his life. He could do it again, but it was only empty thinking. His heart still pounded so hard it threatened to spill out of his chest when he thought about him not showing up. No, he would show. It was the only thing he could tell himself.  
  
Until then, he needed to unattach the stove and clean the wall in back of it, then re-attach it. He wanted to restain his kitchen cabinetry. H needed to buy himself some new shoes. He could iron his entire closet, in fact, he could...  
  
The list went on endlessly.  
  
In fact, it did him good. Working made Zell good as well. While Seifer flew down his endless list of projects, Zell was pushing himself harder than ever. Quistis could not contain her surprise when paperwork appeared on her desk not on time, but days before his deadline. He incessantly worked his problem students, sometimes forcing them to endure hours of extra training, which proved fruitful for a couple of them.  
  
As the days inched closer, they prepared themselves as they would for a battle:  
  
There were calls to friends and family, "Hey Ma...yeah, it's me. Hey, don't act so surprised. It's not like I never call you. Anyway, I was gonna stop in Balamb to visit some friends I couldn't find when I was there in a couple weeks. Yeah, I might be home really late or not, M'not sure. Yeah Ma, I'll call you at least when I get in the city. I'll be there until the early afternoon. Thanks Ma, I gotta jet. Love ya."  
  
They checked their equipment. Seifer paid almost as much to the dry cleaner as to the tailor who'd done the alterations. He didn't want to admit that he was less muscular than he had been, but that denial would only be more obvious when his clothes hung off of him improperly. He had tried on everything in his closet until he'd found most of the right combination. It had taken him two days to find the last piece. He almost spent as much on this date as he had on his couch.  
  
They took time to mentally prepare themselves. Seifer actually resorted to meditation the day before. He spent three hours trying to clear his mind. All he got was a pair of stiff legs and a headache. Zell decided it would be a good idea to put in an extra two hours of training. In the end, neither of them slept.  
  
So it was only with trepidation that both woke the next day. One in his brightly lit room on the floating fortress he called home. The other in the apartment which was becoming his entire universe. While Zell saved stress because he knew when he would arrive, he still had to worry about how he was going to explain to Seifer that he had simply forgotten and just not found the courage to call back. Seifer just felt that he had nothing to lose except this. He felt like a teenager on the edge. Hyne, he might as well be a teenager on edge such were the emotions ranging in his nether regions.  
  
Zell took a speedboat out to Balamb from Garden on the ocean. He usually liked to stand out on the deck and feel the wind, regardless of what it did to his hair. Today, he decided to save the serenity of his 'do. Instead of spiking it up, he'd done sort of a wave with his hair. He started by spiking it up, but simply pushing half the top over to the right side of his head before it set. He slicked the rest of his hair to his head. He wore black pants with a single, large chain hanging from one side to his knees before looping up to his pocket. Large black boots peaked out from under their wide legs. He wore a burgundy short sleeve dress shirt that resembled satin. It had the effect of outlining his muscles when it wisped against his body.  
  
When the boat came to a stop, he leaped out into the cool Balamb air. Even in the war, he couldn't enter Balamb's harbor without being hit by a wave of nostalgia. Playing here with his friends when he was little. Watching the ships come and go when he was sad from the overlying hill. Waiting with his ma for a ship with family to come by. The air itself just said that it was home to him. He stood a moment to let the feeling absorb into him, to give him strength. In an hour, the sun would start to set and it would be absolutely beautiful. He had seen more breath-taking sunsets from the harbor than he could count.   
  
There was a slight chill to the wind that would get worse as the night wore on. He hadn't thought to bring a jacket with him, so he assumed he would just suffer through it. He took one last look around and set off towards the direction of Seifer's house. Balamb being so small meant it was only a short time before he arrived in front of the unimpressive building.  
  
He confirmed Seifer's apartment by the chip in the paint on the wall opposite the door. It was what he had concentrated on when Seifer had spoken to him so plainly while drunk. He would have recognized it five years down the road as the image of it and the situation would be burned in his mind for a long time yet. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door three times in a solid cadence.  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock.  
  
He waited a silent moment before hearing a muffled call "One second!" The voice sounded relatively neutral, but the 'second' was fully enunciated. With the ending consonant and all. That was unusual and he couldn't recall Seifer ever doing that before. Training in detecting subterfuge immediately was called to good use and he concluded that Seifer had probably rehearsed that one. He waited for a full three seconds before he started tapping his foot.  
  
Inside, Seifer still sat on his bed where he had called when Zell had knocked on the door. He'd been sitting there for two hours and worked himself into a sort of hypnosis. He was so anticipating Zell's knock that even after preparing himself for two weeks as to what he'd say and do, he froze when the time came. He spent those valuable seconds taking deep breaths and calling to himself the old practice of acting like everything was fine. He could do this. He could do this. He could do this. Shit, he was breathing like an engine, he might as well be the one that could. Immediately, he stood up and threw his blazer over his shoulder and walked calmly over to the door.  
  
He cleared his throat before opening the door and threw it wide. He smiled like he knew what he was waiting for and leaned against the doorframe. His white slacks fit him perfectly and contrasted wonderfully with the sleeveless black button-up he'd paid more money for than he would admit. He wore black, shiny dress shoes that matched the shiny fabric of the shirt. Even with the blazer thrown over his shoulder, he was a sight. Scar, smile, and bright eyes. "Thought you'd never show." He joked, but just like many jokes, it was half jest and half sincerity.  
  
"Well, I did consider." Zell joked right back.  
  
----------  
  
Yeah, Yeah, I knew this took forever to get up, but what can I say? I've been really busy with work and I might be getting a 2nd job! Which means I'll be going from forty-five hours dedicated to work to about sixty hours a week. So you either need to be more patient OR more fawning with your reviews.   
  
But seriously, thanks y'all again for your reviews! Like I say in just about every chapter ending, they really do make me want to update!  
  
Stay in touch for the next chapter! This time, there is no escape! Zell and Seifer = romantic dinner for two or overemotional disaster waiting to happen! Oh, posh, you should know well enough by know that you can probably expect both!  
  
Until Next time!  
  
xo  
  
miss Revolver 


	15. Solids and Stripes

  
  
Zell was proud of himself for not gaping like a fish. The knowledge that he could have reached out and touched this man in intimate ways came back to him in a rush of heat to his face. He felt disappointed in himself that he hadn't taken the moment to touch those soft cheeks, or trace that scar with his finger. At that moment, Zell was certain Seifer would have let him do whatever he had wanted.  
  
And you just had to think about that with his tall frame against the door frame like that. The general shape of his body was pleasant. His cool blue eyes, his blunt blonde hair. The still impressive chest and arms. The way he carried himself and the way his clothes fit his body. The confidence, but the knowledge of the vulnerability inside. It struck Zell hard because he had never known someone as well as he knew Seifer, which was hardly complete, that he had gone so far to even recognize as a potential partner...romantically.  
  
In this odd reunion of theirs, this was probably only the second or third time Seifer had truly one up on Zell. But if it would remain so would yet to be seen. Zell had managed to turn the tables on him before, he may be able to do it again. Zell was not so fearful as to allow Seifer to run away with him. This was a game of Seifer trying to catch Zell because Zell had so much more to lose than him...and so much more to fear.  
  
Seifer would have given just about anything to get a clear confession from Zell about some sort of feelings for Seifer. As it stood, he could only understand that Zell had some sort of confused feelings towards him. He was still conflicted as to whether he should lust for revenge on Seifer or for his warm embrace. One was very very bad and the other VERY VERY good!  
  
Seifer lifted himself easily from his leaning position and sauntered into the hall. He gave Zell an appreciatory glance and smile. He was feeling his courage coming back to him in waves while Zell looked like he couldn't trust himself to speak. He swung the door closed easily, having automatically locked it as soon as he opened it. It was a habit of his that he enjoyed. Concise.  
  
He stared at Zell, waiting for him to lead the way. He scuffled his feet into the tiles and Seifer thought he was going to scream into the void of silence that was the two seconds before the door clicked shut and he spoke.  
  
"So, where were you planning on taking me? Or was your plan to just show up here and look at me the entire night." He accompanied this statement with a sardonic smile that he could not hide.  
  
"Sorry-"  
  
"Oh no, don't be sorry," Seifer interrupted, "That's fine if that's what you want to do all night. But maybe we could move to another room with better lighting." This time, his grin threatened to turn into gentle laughter as he imagined himself sitting in his apartment on his stool with his chin on his arm as Zell just stared dumbly at him.  
  
Zell stared at him with scorn in his eyes. "I guess that would work as long as you didn't stand in front of one of your walls. Else you'd disappear." The second he said it, he realized what a sad retort that had been and looked down fiercely. The black with the white was purposeful. You had to be someone very rich to wearing an entire suit of white. Seifer certainly wasn't up to it.  
  
"Well, I guess I best keep my jacket off for now so you can still find me without looking at my feet." His answer was still teasing, not because he wanted to, but because if he didn't say anything his courage would fail him and he certainly didn't know the right thing to say. Just the wrong thing. It was a talent.  
  
Zell stared sullenly at the ground for a moment, letting some of the blood that had rushed into his face fade away before looking up again. He didn't look like he was pleased to be there anymore. Seifer cursed himself for not being strong enough to keep his mouth shut. Zell finally looked up and frowned up at him. It didn't look like he was going to argue with him. Or curse him. Or even argue with him anymore.  
  
instead, he sighed, and his shoulders deflated. Seifer was perplexed, this wasn't what he had expected from Zell at all. With a limp swing of his arm, Zell gestured him down the hall. "Let's get this over with." He had turned away so Seifer couldn't tell if he rolled his eyes or not. Which would have been a good sign, it would show that Zell was still with him.  
  
They walked down the dimly lit hall. One of the three lightbulbs they passed was flickering badly, sending a rippling effect across the dingy walls which were once as white as his suit. Paint chips flicked off here and there. It hadn't been swept in some time and dust clung inside the corners. There was a large collection of dirt inside the corner of the screen door which alone fended off the elements until winter came about. It opened with a squeal that was not interrupted by anymore words between the two.  
  
Because Zell didn't want to say anything and Seifer wanted to say too much. Instead, he contemplated the silence as best he could to keep himself from going insane. Whenever he let Zell surprise him, he let loose with something that sent him back farther than he had moved forward. Whenever he seemed to be getting anywhere close, there was some new facet of his being that Seifer hadn't predicted and he raised up to block it, deflect the blow. Leaving both of them dazed.  
  
No, he was certain that this was his single chance to get Zell to at least view him as a full person. A person not marred by the jagged views of their youths. He needed some connection to his past, some way to assure himself that he had existed at all. Ironic how his safety now depended on people forgetting his past, but it was his past that made him real at all in the first place. It sometimes felt like a tenuous hold he had on himself, and if he let go he might slip away.  
  
Even as they walked in silence, he was afraid that Zell might forget he existed and just continue on home to his Ma. She would ask him how his meeting with his friends had gone and he'd say that they got held up, or that he'd gone someplace else, or that he just hadn't felt like it. Then he'd stuff it in the back of his mind and return to Garden, forgetting about him. Someone might mention his name later and he'd shrug and say that they'd met and talked while he was on vacation from balamb, but hadn't seen him since.  
  
He was determined to not let that happen. They passed his block and turned towards the balamb inn. Seifer could have closed his eyes and made his way down the road. He passed by the inn at least five times every week for the last two years. This was about the time he ventured past from work most nights, but tonight, he was going towards. Much more nicely dressed than usual. He found the sound of Zell's chain clattering against his leg somehow comforting. It meant Zell couldn't just shut him out, the small noise invited more to join it. Unfortunately, none of them took up the offer before they stopped outside the inn.  
  
The Balamb inn was made for tourists. Most families in the area had visitors stay with them, but rarely in the hotels crowding the area. Especially not the Balamb Inn. it's rooms overlooked both the harbor and the ocean. In the tourist months, it was always booked solide. Zell had had the pleasure of experiencing it himself. Seifer could only imagine what it was like to wake up with the sun on your face and the smell of clean ocean filtering in through the windows. Then you could throw back the curtains and sip tea, coffee, or whatever else you may have on the small deck attached.   
  
On the bottom floor of the inn, was a small cafe that was only frequented by people in the town during the cooler months, when you could actually find a seat. Even so, it was slightly pricey and Seifer had to admire that Zell had chosen to take him there. He added another mark against himself for being so keen to upset him when this had been waiting. When Zell glanced at him, he attempted a smile that attempted to show comraderie. He wasn't hoping for much else at the immediate moment.  
  
Zell frowned slightly at him and gestured towards the door. "After you." He said, intending Seifer to lead the way. Which he did. Once inside, he took in the calming atmosphere. A few local couples dined inside, dressed for a special occassion like an anniversary or some other thing actual people did when they had families and friends and lovers.  
  
Each table was round and could seat approximately four people. They were covered in a delicate pure white linen that ended in lace delicately tacked onto the end. A white candle in a crystal holder in the middle of the table was the only light besides the very faint glow from the hanging globes. Not a wide variety of food was served there and the menus boasted large, bold print so that it could be read in the dim light. IN such a light, you could discreetly hold another's hand and appreciate the stupendous view.  
  
The wall facing the ocean was almost completely glass. It was thick glass, used to survive storms and high winds. Seifer imagined that it was impressive to dine there while the weather raged outside, but glad for it tonight. The hostess smiled widely at Zell like he was someone important. He was someone important, Seifer reminded himself, and she led them without delay to the deck portion of the small cafe. It had four tables, round like the ones inside, but smaller. Only for 2, and it was clear which one they would be seated at, because it was the only one properly set. the deck wrapped around the wall behind the reception desk, thus it did not block the view from inside, but rather offered more intimate feel.   
  
No one could see them up in the deck unless someone was either on the ocean and looking at them through a scope, they came out the door leading to the deck, or they leaned over one of the railings from the porches along the upper rooms. As it were, Seifer was confident that they could not be seen over the copse of trees under them or the wide expanse of sea. The sun was just beginning to set and Seifer had not spoken more than one amicable word with the man he sat across. There were no distractions here except for the waitress who brought them water and menus.   
  
Zell took his menu in a casual manner, but raised it up in front of his eyes. Seifer didn't bother to pick up his. He'd have the special of the night, whatever it was. He didn't care. He would wait Zell out and eventually he would have to talk to him. He was sure that Zell would break the silence if it held long enough. And until that happened, Seifer was going to have to try to tell him everything he could with his face.  
  
Because everytime he opened up his mouth, something horrible came out.  
  
Zell avoided putting down the menu for as long as he could manage. He'd analyzed prices, ingredients, and sauces for as long as he could stand. Then he just left the menu standing in front of him as long as he could stand that. There, two minutes thoroughly wasted. Sixty more to go.  
  
He could feel the moisture of his anxiety clinging to the delicate skin between his fingers. This was tougher than he thought. He should've just not called at all. He had to wonder what in the holy fuck he'd been thinking when he thought it would be a good thing to spend time alone with Seifer. He should've expected the ego and attitude right from the start. He probably thought he was desperate to hop into bed with him. Or wanted Seifer to suddenly wrap him in his strong arms (ha, not so strong anymore) and tell him how much he loved him. With chocolates. Shit, he might as well put a fucking bow in his hair.  
  
Nah, he'd wait it out. Seifer didn't have anyone to tell anymore, and if he said anything. Just friends, right? Anything else was all his fucked up delusion from being isolated for so long. It was a sad thing, really, but he had to have some friends. That's what he'd tell people. He didn't like how the candle light cast so little light. It would be romantic in the dark if he wasn't so worried about reading the other blonde's expression.  
  
As for now, though, the setting sun bathed them in an orange glow. It made them both appear to have darker skin than they would have. As if either of them had tanned instead of staying as pale as they would probably always be. Seifer was staring out into the open water. What in the hell was he thinking?  
  
The sun's shape blurred in the water. It set in brillaint reds and oranges and faint purples as the night sky followed its descent. The view was nothing short of breathtaking. So high up, there was only the line of the horizon separating the dark mass of reflections and the shooting color of the beautiful setting sky.  
  
Through Seifer's seemingly cold gaze, the landscape was coming alive. In his life, nothing was worth anything unless it had something to do with himself. It was at first glance, a selfish philosophy, and one that very much was in the past. Years of suffering and guilt had taught him to revise it to something softer. Something even more meaningful. Nothing was worth very much if it didn't mean something to himself. It was a slight change in wording but a collossal change in outlook.   
  
He turned to look directly at the man sitting across from him and found that their eyes locked together. A window behind Zell was reflecting clearly the brillaint hues of the sun. It was the point of dusk where you could see the light fading, disappearing. Seifer had the sudden image of Zell being the sun, bursting forth onto landscapes he hadn't seen.  
  
And for him, Zell might as well have been. Now he just disappeared from his world, leaving the bright, true hues of his straightforward emotions. He was the sun, and Seifer was the clouds in front of him, the water cutting through his reflection. And he could only see his reflection. He was cutting jags on the grand radiance of him. He wondered why he was there.  
  
Zell was solid and he was stripes.   
  
For a moment, he lost all hope, but he would stop cutting lines into Zell. It was too easy for him to do. This was about him changing, not making Zell realize that he wasn't who he wanted to be. He wanted Zell to realize he was becoming the person he wanted to be. He wanted him there for that. Somehow, someway, he was going to make this other man believe in him. Because if he believed in Seifer, then Seifer could believe in himself.  
  
To be continued...  
  
------  
  
I know, I know! Not a cliffhanger, but a tbc. Just what am I doing? Well, to answer my own question, I've always written this fic like it were in an episodic format. There are cliffhangers and upcomings, but all scenes started are finished. Then again, the last five chapters or so have been about the same length and I thought this part would get so very much longer that I wanted two parts!  
  
and what a good part to cut out at! The next chapter (I hope) will include the conclusion of our two lovebirds first foray into quasi non-domestic bliss. I mean, it's about time right? Well, I think so, but I can't say what the boys will do. They have minds of their own...stubborn minds.  
  
Anyhow, thanks so much to my reviewers, both old and new! I hope you guys are still enjoying the story and will continue to enjoy it as later chapters unfold. xoxo Petty R 


	16. Of blank and men

It would be difficult for anyone to describe the feeling of realizing your thoughts are mirrored by your environment. If Seifer were to try he'd only be able to describe it as the world as he knew it ending. The fading edges of light turning into bright colors and beckoning twinkling lights in the sky. As his thoughts and insecurities were paired away, an innumerable amount of instances, emotions, and nuances shined through him, waiting to be connected together. Waiting to stop being ignored.  
  
Zell had excused himself from the table a few moments ago to go to the restroom, leaving him alone to contemplate the sunset silently. He knew Zell was uncomfortable with the silenc, but he was bound to come back to find Seifer. He'd just had a great epiphany of the variety that was so utterly personal that even saying that he'd had some life altering event would have simply been ludicrous.  
  
He greeted Zell with a smile when he returned that he matched with a frown.  
  
"Hey, Zell." He started as Zell took his seat across from him. He hoped the candlelight would show how shiny his teeth were. He'd worked very hard for just that right shade of natural whiteness. "I'm sorry about before, I'm no good at, heh heh, you know. I guess you could say being nice." He had his hands clasped on the table, making his posture more formal than he would have liked. But in a way it was fitting. This was it, the real confession.  
  
"Hunh." Zell answered, sitting back in his chair and balancing his right leg on his left knee. He didn't sound so convinced. Seifer maintained his smile as best as he could, but it went from light to strained very quickly.  
  
"To be perfectly clear -- and I want to say that this is as great an understatement as I can make -- I was really nervous about this, " He waved his hands about him vaguely to indicate the 'appointment' without actually having to put a name to their (hand gestures). "The last thing I wanted to do was screw it up like I have been so far." The world take note, this was actually the first time Seifer had accepted the entire fault of any situation in a vocal manner.  
  
"Hunh." Zell took a swig of water and just glanced at Seifer. He looked slightly skeptical, but he seemed to be accepting what Seifer was saying. Slowly, he was accepting what he was saying very slowly. He was obviously waiting for Seifer to continue. Which made him blustered.  
  
He took a drink of his own water and fiddled with his napkin to buy himself time. He was hoping that Zell would have just accepted his little speech and taken the conversation from there. That earlier feeling of euphoria (thoughts and environment, right?) left him as fast as it had come, leaving him feeling slightly worn.  
  
He shrugged. "I've known you for as long as I could speak and I've been jealous of you for as long. It's like everything you give your heart over to everything and I hated that. I couldn't ever do something like that no matter what it was and no matter what I said you wouldn't stop. I really can't remember what we really were like as kids. I guess we got along some of the time. Edea told me that. She said that sometimes she'd make me make up with you and we'd be great friends for a little while. I think I always fucked that up, even if she didn't say so.  
  
"For a couple of hours we'd run around and I wouldn't push over your sand castles or throw your cards on the floor. She said no one could make you laugh harder than I could. I think I liked you back then, but still had the same problems I do know, or with a little hope did at any rate. Do you remember anything? I hope I'm still not that little kid." He looked contemplative, facing off into the ocean, his eyes still shining with vaguely remembered shadows around the lighthouse he'd been for such a short time in his life. He didn't want to look directly at Zell, fearing he'd see his own scornful face reflected at him.  
  
He heard a light chuckle. "Yeah man, I remember a little. Ma said I would talk about you a bunch when I first came to live with her. She actually asked Edea if you were my bro or sumthin. But I told her you were just some jerk. But I think you had an awesome penguin impression."  
  
Seifer smiled and shook his head. His penguin impression was above par. In fact, so was the rest of their little gathering. Later Seifer teased Zell about his choice of terminology. And he made Zell laugh harder than most people did, until his cheeks were glowing red. Admitting weakness to Zell had him walking on eggshells, but with every shock or small hurt, he got something better in return and he learned what it was like to be open with someone.  
  
They stayed for two coffees and a dessert, until the small cafe had emptied out and all the tables cleared. Their legs were slightly wobbly from sitting for so long in small chairs that were only comfortable for small interludes. Seifer had his jacket tossed over his shoulder, looking like he could be photographed at any given moment for the cover of some Balamb nightlife magazine. Zell looked like a miscreant who had happened on the better side of the tracks, an accurate assessment for his state.  
  
The surprising thing was seeing the two of them smiling at each other. Their pace was companionable and they stood so close that they were in danger of banging into each other at any moment. If they weren't so aware of the other's closeness, their arms may have collided at any moment. Zell made a conscious effort not to check his watch.  
  
Their words tapered off as they drew closer to Seifer's apartment building. It was that silent anticipation of parting where you search for enough words to quickly express the multitude of emotions running through you. How do you express joy of being, regret of parting, anticipation of next meeting, esteem in their regaurd, and so many other things in a few sentences? How do you tell someone everything you want them to know before you even knwo what it is? How do you ask them to stay without asking them to stay forever?  
  
It came down to that eternal syllable. "So..." Zell started, hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels just feet away from Seifer's door.  
  
"So..." Seifer responded, his back to his door. The door to his lonely apartment that was alone and had no one inside it. It was very small once you spent enough time pacing it.  
  
"So..yeah, I guess I'll see you around." Zell smiled toothlessly and awkward and stopped his rocking. Seifer was too flustered and too unsure of what to do next to do anything. He just waved a hand in assent and nodded. "Definitely." He agreed.  
  
Several more awkward waves and nods and Seifer was inside his door feeling that sinking pit in his stomach. Had that gone well? What the hell had just happened? Oh Hyne, he thought things had gone well...things had gone well. He was probably expecting too much from Zell. Maybe he was just always this casual about relationships or just went very slowly. He probably wanted to be courted and didn't like calling him up. Maybe he was just humoring Seifer. He closed his eyes and leaned heavily against the cool wood of the door, not daring to move until he could get his insides in control.  
  
"Shit!" He called out too loudly as he jumped up from the door. He hadn't heard anyone walk up and most certainly didn't expect someone to start knocking. His name was called quietly from outside the door, an edge of worry in the voice. A familiar voice. "Zell!?" He asked, unbelieving, throwing open his door to find his very favorite golden haired boy waiting for him, holding a small paper in his hands.  
  
"Uh, I found this paper just outside your house and it has your name on it, I don't know if it's important or not..." He shrugged and handed the paper over to a very still shocked Seifer. He took the paper numbly between his fingertips and smoothed it in his hand. It was covered in a little oil and a lot of water. He opened it up and smoothed it between his long digits. It was a water meter reading. Seifer Almasy has used xx.xx litres of fresh water, etc.  
  
"Oh, it's just a water reading." He had studied the paper for too long. It had very little written on it.  
  
"Is that important?" Zell asked.  
  
"Not really, thank you though. I may still need it."  
  
"No problem." Zell shrugged and gave a casual wave of his hand.  
  
"Um, have a good night."  
  
"yeah, you too."  
  
"..you're still standing here."  
  
"So're you." Seifer was right this time, Zell was certainly nervous about something. He licked his suddenly dry lips as the smaller man visibly fought with his indecision. They started at each other, just two feet apart.  
  
Zell closed the distance and cupped one hand behind Seifer's neck to pull him closer. When they were only an inch apart, they both hesitated and stared at each other.  
  
Zell, even with dinner, had a hint of bubble gum flavor on his lips. Seifer couldn't hear a thing over the heartbeat drumming through his ears. When his blood had finally stopped shooting through his veins fast enough to cut steel, he found himself enjoying the warm sensation of Zell's exhaled breath against his cheek. He leaned forward to put more pressure into their contact and was pleasantly surprised when Zell's arms wrapped around his waist to pull him closer as Zell stepped through the door and into his apartment.  
  
He heard dully the door click shut behind him before feeling his back pressed into it.  
  
The next morning, Seifer awoke alone on his couch with his clothes from the date still on. A small note was left for him on the endtable. It was written in quick, uneven scrawls. It was evident that the particular author of the note had been in some hurry to scribble it out before taking off:  
  
Seifer,  
  
had to run for train. Didn't expect to stay so long...Forgot what it was studying fr oral exams. Will never forget yr cute squeaks. Will you be my little mousey? (quick mousey picture goes here)  
  
xox Call you soon xox Zell  
  
Seifer smiled. If Zeifer was going to chew on his ear to make him squeak everytime he wanted to hear it...sure. He'd be his little mousey anyday.  
  
Author's notes: Phew! It's been a while! I got that second job and work about 65 hours a week! It's been four weeks now since I had a day off. In that time my car also broke down and my good friend's mom broke both wrists (both of them!). I don't have a day off tomorrow, but i only work three hours tomorrow(note: I usually work a minimum of eight hours a day, but I do at least 3 12-13 hour days). So this is totally the first chance I've had to continue!  
  
Unfortunately, time away and a new obsession with Naruto pulls me off to other fandoms. I'll probably continue this fic, but don't hold your breath for too long! Most chapter updates after this will probably be cutesy, sweety little things. Just to let you know the boys are doing fine! I've been in love with Final Fantasy 8 for years now and it comes and goes in little spurts. So I'm sure a little down the road I'll greatly expand the story!  
  
Thank you so much for reviewing, it's really why I update the story at all! 333 


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